BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: IMPLICATIONS OF DECLINING BIRTH RATES AND INCREASING LONGEVITY IN SOCIETY

Explore our IELTS essay sample on the trend of increased longevity and its implications. Dive into topics such as population ageing, economic challenges, retirement issues, and the balance between a high-quality life versus population growth. Gain insights for your IELTS band 5.5 score improvement.

Writing Task

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before, while birth rates are declining. What consequences do you think this trend will have on society? To what extent do you agree or disagree with this development? Discuss both the positive and negative impacts of this trend and provide examples to support your viewpoint.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.5 Scoring and Feedback

people in all over the world want to live longer than before, by the time science is making progress and people can live longer. people can see their children are growing up and they don't die because of the different kind of diseases. but now a days people prefer not to have child because of the many crises that they face each day, also the economic situation is getting hard, and it can lead to decreasing willing to have children. the population is getting older every day and there is no alternative for it. one of the major problems that we face in future is the cost of insurance of old the population. the other problem is the lack of work force because after Retirment people can't work as efficient as a young one. it's really hard to make society a better place who are old and they can't work. on the other hand, governments should have a plan to take after the old people and built a place for them to do some easier work to feel better about themself. but there are some good points of living longer, you have more time to spend with your family and friends and you can gain more experiences by the time and have a high-quality life. I preferer people who are in this world should have a better life and its much important than increasing population. at the end I think we have to concentrate on economy and society condition to encourage people to have child
Words: 255Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 08:06 AM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay attempts to discuss the effects of increased life expectancy and declining birth rates, but it lacks clear organization and logical flow. Ideas are presented in a somewhat disjointed manner, making it difficult to follow the writer's argument consistently. There is a lack of clear paragraphing, and transitions between ideas are often abrupt or missing, which affects the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph, followed by supporting sentences.
  • Improve sentence structure to avoid fragmentation and ensure that each sentence flows logically to the next.
  • Organize the essay into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a single main idea. For example, separate paragraphs for discussing positive impacts, negative impacts, and personal opinions.
  • Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas logically. For instance, use 'Firstly,' 'Moreover,' 'On the other hand,' and 'In conclusion' to guide the reader through the argument.

Lexical Resource4.5

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common words, but there are frequent errors in word choice, word form, and collocations. The vocabulary used is often repetitive and lacks precision, which limits the effectiveness of the communication.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate linking words and phrases to improve the flow and coherence of ideas.
  • Practice using collocations and fixed expressions to enhance the naturalness of the language.
  • Work on using more precise and varied vocabulary to express ideas more clearly and accurately.
  • Expand vocabulary range by learning synonyms and antonyms for commonly used words to avoid repetition and improve precision.
  • Pay attention to word forms and ensure correct usage of nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs.

Grammatical Range4.5

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures with frequent errors in sentence formation, punctuation, and verb usage. There is a lack of complex sentences, and many sentences are fragmented or run-on, which affects clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and correct use of tenses to ensure grammatical accuracy.
  • Improve punctuation usage, especially with commas and periods, to clearly separate ideas and clauses.
  • Practice writing with a focus on sentence variety and structure to improve overall grammatical range and accuracy.
  • Use a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance the grammatical range.
  • Avoid run-on sentences by breaking them into distinct, complete sentences.

Task Achievement4.5

The essay addresses the task by discussing both the positive and negative impacts of increased longevity and declining birth rates. However, it lacks a clear stance on whether the writer agrees or disagrees with this development, and the examples are not well-developed or specific, which affects the depth of the analysis.

Recommendations:

  • Conclude with a clear summary of your argument and a restatement of your position to reinforce your viewpoint.
  • Provide more detailed and specific examples to illustrate the potential consequences of the trend on society. This will help strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
  • Ensure that both positive and negative impacts are balanced in terms of detail and explanation. Currently, the negative impacts are more thoroughly discussed than the positive ones.
  • Clearly state your position on whether you agree or disagree with the development of longer life expectancy and declining birth rates, and consistently support this position throughout the essay.
GRADED
4.5
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.5
Grammatical Range:4.5
Task Achievement:4.5
Band Score:4.5
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4
Lexical Resource4.5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation4
Grammatical Range4.5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement4.5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas4
Relevant & specific examples4
Appropriate word count5
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