BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: PROS AND CONS OF EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES OUTSIDE SCHOOL HOURS

Explore our IELTS essay sample, scoring a band 5.5, discussing the impact of junk food consumption on health. This insightful essay debates whether education on the risks of junk food is sufficient, or if government action is necessary. Learn from the arguments, examples and conclusions provided for a well-rounded view on the complex issue of unhealthy food consumption.

Writing Task

In many countries, parents are encouraging their children to take part in extracurricular activities outside of school hours. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this trend. To what extent do you agree or disagree with parents promoting such activities for their children?

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.0 Scoring and Feedback

there are different views about damaging health by eating more junk food and its impact on health. Some people think that educating people about the dangers of consuming too much unhealthy food is the best way to tackle this problem , whereas others argue that education alone is not enough to solve this problem. on the one hand educating has more impact on behaviour of people. They can understand the health risks that associated with consuming too much junk food. if people have been educated through school and advertisements on TV about the dangers of eating high levels of sugar,salt and fat , they would have be likely to make a good decision by themselves. For instance, schools can educate children about nutrition and importance of consuming healthy food. Additionally, Governments can do some acts like run awareness campaign to inform people about this issue. On the other hand, some people argue that education alone is not enough to solve this problem. They believe that people are often aware of the risks associated with consuming too much junk food but continue to do it anyway. this is because junk food is often cheaper and more delicious than healthier choices. Therefore, only educating people about the risk factors is not sufficient in order to change the behaviour. in conclusion, the issue of junk food consumption and its impact on health is crucial. While education is an important tool to tackle this problem, it is not enough. In my opinion a right approach that involves a combination of education and government action is necessary to reduce eating of unhealthy food and promote healthier eating habits.
Words: 273Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 11:55 AM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion, as it does not address the task prompt about extracurricular activities, instead focusing on junk food consumption. The structure is inconsistent, with ideas not clearly linked or developed in a logical sequence.

Recommendations:

  • Use clear and appropriate paragraphing to organize ideas logically, ensuring each paragraph has a clear central idea.
  • Employ a range of cohesive devices and linking words to connect ideas within and between paragraphs effectively.
  • Ensure that the essay directly addresses the task prompt and stays on topic throughout the response.
  • Develop a clear introduction and conclusion that directly relate to the task prompt, summarizing key points and providing a coherent argument.

Lexical Resource4.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common expressions. However, there are several instances of repetition and incorrect word usage that affect the clarity and precision of the response.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition, such as using 'nutritional education' instead of repeating 'educating'.
  • Incorporate more topic-specific vocabulary related to extracurricular activities, as the essay seems off-topic based on the prompt.
  • Ensure correct word usage and collocations, such as 'run awareness campaigns' instead of 'run awareness campaign'.
  • Use transitional phrases and connectors more effectively to improve the coherence and flow of ideas, such as 'moreover' or 'furthermore' instead of starting sentences abruptly.

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of grammatical structures, including the use of complex sentences and some variety in grammatical forms. However, there are noticeable errors in sentence structure, verb forms, and punctuation that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Expand the range of grammatical structures by incorporating more varied sentence types, such as conditional sentences or relative clauses, to enhance the complexity of the writing.
  • Use appropriate verb forms consistently. For instance, 'they would have be likely' should be corrected to 'they would likely be'.
  • Pay attention to punctuation, particularly the use of commas and periods. For example, 'some acts like run awareness campaign' should be 'some acts, like running awareness campaigns,'.
  • Improve sentence structure by ensuring that each sentence has a clear subject and verb agreement. For example, 'the health risks that associated' should be 'the health risks that are associated'.

Task Achievement3.0

The essay does not address the given prompt about the advantages and disadvantages of extracurricular activities. Instead, it discusses the issue of junk food consumption and the role of education and government action in addressing it. This indicates a complete misunderstanding or misalignment with the task requirements.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that you fully understand and address the task prompt. The essay should focus on discussing the advantages and disadvantages of extracurricular activities as mentioned in the task.
  • Provide a clear thesis statement that directly responds to the prompt. For example, state your position on whether you agree or disagree with parents promoting extracurricular activities.
  • Include relevant examples and arguments that specifically relate to the topic of extracurricular activities, rather than unrelated topics like junk food.
GRADED
4.0
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:3.0
Band Score:4.0
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4

Lexical Resource4
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation4

Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4

Task Achievement3
Complete response3
Clear & comprehensive ideas3
Relevant & specific examples3
Appropriate word count3