BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EXPLORING EMPLOYEE FREEDOM VS ORGANIZATIONAL CONTROL IN WORKPLACE DYNAMICS

Explore our IELTS essay sample with a band score of 5.5 about 'brain drain'. Uncover how immigration of experts affects their home countries and what solutions can help retain these professionals. An excellent resource for IELTS preparation to understand writing style, context and phrasing.

Writing Task

Some people believe that individuals should be allowed to choose when and where they want to work, while others think that organizations must dictate these terms for their employees. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Support your answer with reasons and examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.0 Scoring and Feedback

According to weak countries which are experiencing a ‘brain drain’ they have lost a plenty of expert like doctors and engineers which are immigrating to industrial countries. This essay will suggest that immigration of authorities is crucial problem, but best solution is preparing situation to keep them in the country. Developed countries have made importance opportunities for expert to move there and work. Approximately, all people are enthusiastic about progress in their jobs and earn more money. Because of this, in the weak countries, government have problem to keep the scientists. It leads to stop the rate up progress in the area. For example, I am trying to immigrate to Germany to expand my innovation ideas since this is one of the industrial countries in the world. Despite these problems, government most try to make good connection between universities and companies. They should make an effort to send the students to environment of countries to gain a good experience with machines and grab the atmosphere of jobs. It helps them find their Talent in the various aspects such as designing, Assembling or managing. For instance, according to the last survey between students in the United Kingdom, Sweden is one of the best countries which student can work parallel in the industrial companies which are connected to the universities to complete their education. In conclusion, many reasons cause authorities are immigrating to Europe Canada or USA, because this area have enormous industrial companies, but fairly relation between education and factories can solve these drawbacks.
Words: 253Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 07:13 AM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion, as it does not effectively address the prompt or maintain a logical flow of ideas. The argument is not clearly structured, and there is a noticeable absence of clear topic sentences and linking phrases to guide the reader through the discussion of the two viewpoints. Additionally, the essay introduces unrelated information about 'brain drain' which does not align with the task prompt, causing confusion and disrupting the overall cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate linking words and phrases (e.g., 'however,' 'on the other hand,' 'in contrast') to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly, enhancing the flow of the argument.
  • Avoid introducing unrelated topics, such as 'brain drain,' and ensure that all examples and ideas are relevant to the task prompt.
  • Ensure that the essay directly addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on work flexibility and organizational control, maintaining a clear focus throughout.
  • Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to introduce the main idea, ensuring each paragraph logically follows from the previous one.

Lexical Resource4.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common words, but it contains frequent errors in word choice and collocation that impede clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Work on using collocations correctly, as errors in word combinations can lead to confusion.
  • Avoid repetition of basic words like 'countries' and 'industrial.' Try using synonyms or paraphrasing to enhance variety.
  • Expand your range of vocabulary by learning and practicing new words and phrases related to the essay topic, ensuring you understand their meanings and contexts.
  • Pay attention to word forms and grammatical structures, such as using 'authorities' incorrectly instead of 'professionals' or 'experts.'

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures with frequent grammatical errors that impede meaning.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, especially in sentences like 'government have problem' which should be 'government has a problem.'
  • Improve the use of articles, such as 'a plenty of expert' which should be 'plenty of experts.'
  • Ensure correct use of prepositions, for example, 'atmosphere of jobs' could be better expressed as 'work environment.'
  • Use a wider variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Avoid run-on sentences by using appropriate punctuation or conjunctions to separate ideas, such as 'Because of this, in the weak countries, government have problem to keep the scientists.'

Task Achievement3.0

The essay does not address the task prompt effectively. It focuses on the issue of 'brain drain' and the immigration of experts, rather than discussing whether individuals should choose their work conditions or if organizations should dictate them. The arguments presented are not aligned with the task, resulting in a lack of task achievement.

Recommendations:

  • Include a clear thesis statement that outlines the main argument or position in response to the task prompt.
  • Ensure that the essay directly addresses the task prompt. Discuss both views regarding work conditions and provide a personal opinion as required by the task.
  • Use relevant examples and reasons that are directly related to the topic of work conditions and organizational control.
GRADED
4.0
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:3.0
Band Score:4.0
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4
Lexical Resource4
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation4
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement3
Complete response3
Clear & comprehensive ideas3
Relevant & specific examples3
Appropriate word count3
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