BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING CONSEQUENCES AND SOLUTIONS FOR AGING POPULATION INCREASE

Explore this Band 5.5 score IELTS essay sample that dives into the impact of technology, like smartphones, on human interaction and employment rates. Understand how innovations like video calls & social media have transformed communication, especially during the pandemic, and fueled economic growth in developing countries.

Writing Task

In many countries, people are living increasingly longer lives, and the average age of the population is on the rise. Discuss the potential consequences of an aging population and suggest possible solutions to address these challenges. Use relevant evidence or examples to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.0 Scoring and Feedback

These days interaction between people has changed thanks to technology. In my view, due to development of technology such as making smartphones and the expansion of the internet impact on people relationships. In addition, it has a positive development on our life because we have access to each other easily. There are many software and application which people use them for interact with each other through the internet. In fact, people just need a little time to learn how to use cellphones and connect to the internet ,and also through social media they can share their events of their life with other people. For example, studies showed that many people during in pandemic prefer to interact each other with video call application such as Skype, Meet and Face time rather than face-to-face meeting and they are satisfied by this way interaction because it prevented the transmission of the corona virus. Development of technology creates employment for many people and also it leads to develop in many developing countries. Although, some companies have decided to build their company in developing countries ,it leads to reduction of the unemployment rate and also it causes improve relations with customers and other companies. For instance, after Cisco and Apple company built some factories in India and they have created their requirement hardware there, the unemployment rate in both countries is decreasing. In conclusion, internet makes easy interaction people with each other and also development of technology creates a space for people that they can work in it.
Words: 253Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 12:59 PM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion, as it does not address the given task prompt about the consequences and solutions of an aging population. Instead, it discusses the impact of technology on human interaction and employment, leading to a disconnect between paragraphs and ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Use cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs effectively, ensuring a smooth flow of information.
  • Avoid introducing unrelated ideas that may confuse the reader or disrupt the essay's coherence.
  • Ensure the essay directly addresses the task prompt and maintains a clear focus on the topic throughout.
  • Develop a logical structure with clear topic sentences that align with the task prompt.

Lexical Resource4.5

The essay lacks focus on the given task prompt about the aging population and instead discusses the impact of technology on human interaction. Lexical resource is limited with repetitive vocabulary and phrases, and there are several misused words and awkward phrases that affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Proofread the essay to correct awkward phrases and ensure word choice is appropriate for the context, such as 'interaction people' should be 'interaction among people'.
  • Expand vocabulary range by using synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'development of technology', consider alternatives like 'technological advancements', 'digital innovation', etc.
  • Use more precise language. Replace vague terms like 'impact on people relationships' with more specific phrases such as 'affects interpersonal communication'.
  • Incorporate more complex and varied sentence structures to demonstrate a higher level of lexical proficiency.
  • Ensure the essay addresses the task prompt directly. Focus vocabulary on topics related to aging populations, such as 'geriatric care', 'retirement', 'pension systems', 'healthcare demands', etc.

Grammatical Range4.5

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, with some attempts at complex sentences. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, particularly in sentence structure and verb usage, which impede clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Practice using a wider variety of complex sentence structures to enhance grammatical range.
  • Review the use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the') to ensure they are used correctly.
  • Proofread the essay to eliminate run-on sentences and ensure proper punctuation.
  • Focus on sentence structure, ensuring each sentence has a clear subject and verb agreement.
  • Pay attention to verb forms and tense consistency, especially in complex sentences.

Task Achievement3.0

The essay does not address the given task prompt about the aging population. Instead, it discusses the impact of technology on human interaction and employment, which is unrelated to the task's requirements.

Recommendations:

  • Re-read the task prompt carefully before beginning to write, and plan the essay to ensure all parts of the task are covered.
  • Ensure that the essay directly addresses the task prompt, discussing the consequences of an aging population and providing relevant solutions.
  • Include specific examples and evidence related to the aging population, such as healthcare challenges, economic impacts, and potential solutions like policy changes or healthcare innovations.
GRADED
4.0
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.5
Grammatical Range:4.5
Task Achievement:3.0
Band Score:4.0
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4

Lexical Resource4.5
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation5

Grammatical Range4.5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar4

Task Achievement3
Complete response3
Clear & comprehensive ideas3
Relevant & specific examples3
Appropriate word count3