BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: BALANCING ENVIRONMENTAL CONCERNS WITH ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT - PROS & CONS WITH EXAMPLES

Explore our comprehensive IELTS essay sample discussing the factors influencing a child's life. Delve deep into the debate between the influence of peers, media, and parents. Discover why parents may have the highest impact on a child's choices and behaviors. Ideal for IELTS band 5.5 score aspirants.

Writing Task

In today's world, many people argue that it is essential to address environmental issues, while others believe that the primary focus should be on economic development. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and evidence to support your response.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 3.5 Scoring and Feedback

It is commonly believed that teachers, peers, and media have a significant impact on a child's life. While some individuals argue that these factors play a more significant role in shaping a child's future, others contend that parents have a more critical influence. In this essay, I will discuss both perspectives and argue in favor of the latter. On the one hand, children's beliefs and behaviors can be shaped by the books they read, the music they listen to, and the influence of their peers. Additionally, the media can impact children's desires and preferences, such as their desire for toys seen on television. On the other hand, a child's personality is highly malleable at a young age, and parents are a constant presence in their life during this time. Furthermore, young children tend to imitate their parents' behavior, and a secure and supportive home environment is crucial for a child's confidence and emotional wellbeing. Parents also play a crucial role in teaching children about setting boundaries. In my view, a child's choice of friends, books, and music is heavily influenced by the values instilled in them by their parents. Therefore, parents have a more significant influence on their children than the media, pop culture, or peer groups. In conclusion, while external factors do impact a child's intellectual and social development, parents have the most significant influence by laying a strong foundation from a young age. Parents play a crucial role in fostering a secure and supportive home environment and instilling values that guide children's beliefs and behaviors.
Words: 257Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 01:46 AM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion as it does not address the given task prompt, which is about environmental issues versus economic development. Instead, it discusses the influence of parents versus external factors on children, which is unrelated to the task. The paragraphs are structured logically within the context of the essay's topic, but since the topic is incorrect, the coherence and cohesion cannot be effectively assessed in relation to the task prompt.

Recommendations:

  • Use clear topic sentences that directly relate to the task prompt to improve coherence.
  • Organize paragraphs in a way that logically develops the argument related to the task prompt, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
  • Ensure that the essay addresses the task prompt directly, discussing environmental issues and economic development rather than unrelated topics.

Lexical Resource4.0

The essay displays a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some effective use of less common lexical items. However, it is not directly related to the prompt given, which affects the relevance of the lexical resource used. The vocabulary used is appropriate for discussing influences on children but does not address environmental issues or economic development as required by the task.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition and aim to use synonyms or paraphrasing to demonstrate lexical variety, even within the scope of the original essay topic.
  • Incorporate a wider range of topic-specific vocabulary to enhance the lexical resource, such as 'sustainability', 'carbon footprint', 'economic growth', 'industrialization', etc., related to the original task prompt.
  • Ensure that vocabulary is directly relevant to the task prompt. Use specific terms related to environmental issues and economic development to better align with the task requirements.

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures with a variety of sentence types, including complex sentences. There is a consistent use of correct grammatical forms, and the essay is mostly free of errors. However, the essay could benefit from a wider range of complex grammatical structures to enhance the writing further.

Recommendations:

  • Use more advanced grammatical structures like participle clauses to add complexity and conciseness to sentences.
  • Ensure that any shifts in tense are appropriate and consistent to maintain clarity and coherence throughout the essay.
  • Incorporate a wider variety of complex sentence structures, such as conditional sentences or passive constructions, to demonstrate a broader grammatical range.

Task Achievement2.0

The essay does not address the task prompt as it discusses the influence of teachers, peers, media, and parents on children rather than focusing on environmental issues versus economic development. Therefore, the essay fails to achieve the task's requirements.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure the essay directly addresses the task prompt by discussing environmental issues and economic development, providing a balanced discussion of both views.
  • Provide relevant examples and evidence related to the prompt, such as statistics or case studies on environmental policies or economic growth.
  • Clearly state your own opinion on the prompt and support it with logical reasoning and evidence.
GRADED
3.5
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:2.0
Band Score:3.5
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4

Lexical Resource4
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation4

Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4

Task Achievement2
Complete response2
Clear & comprehensive ideas2
Relevant & specific examples2
Appropriate word count4