BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING IMPACTS OF RISING LIFE EXPECTANCY AND AGING POPULATION

Explore the influences on a child's life from teachers, peers, media, and parents in our Band 5.5 IELTS essay sample. Understand the dynamics of social development in children, implications of various influences, and the crucial role parents play in shaping a child's future. Includes thought-provoking arguments supporting parental influence as unparalleled.

Writing Task

In many countries, the average life expectancy has been increasing, leading to an aging population. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this trend and offer your own perspective on its impact on society.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 3.5 Scoring and Feedback

It is commonly believed that teachers, peers, and media have a significant impact on a child's life. While some individuals argue that these factors play a more significant role in shaping a child's future, others contend that parents have a more critical influence. In this essay, I will discuss both perspectives and argue in favor of the latter. On the one hand, children's beliefs and behaviors can be shaped by the books they read, the music they listen to, and the influence of their peers. Additionally, the media can impact children's desires and preferences, such as their desire for toys seen on television. On the other hand, a child's personality is highly malleable at a young age, and parents are a constant presence in their life during this time. Furthermore, young children tend to imitate their parents' behavior, and a secure and supportive home environment is crucial for a child's confidence and emotional wellbeing. Parents also play a crucial role in teaching children about setting boundaries. In my view, a child's choice of friends, books, and music is heavily influenced by the values instilled in them by their parents. Therefore, parents have a more significant influence on their children than the media, pop culture, or peer groups. In conclusion, while external factors do impact a child's intellectual and social development, parents have the most significant influence by laying a strong foundation from a young age. Parents play a crucial role in fostering a secure and supportive home environment and instilling values that guide children's beliefs and behaviors.
Words: 257Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 01:49 AM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion in relation to the given task prompt. The content does not address the topic of increasing life expectancy and its societal impact, but instead discusses the influence of various factors on a child's development. The structure of the essay is logical, with clear paragraphs and transitions, but these are unrelated to the task at hand.

Recommendations:

  • Use topic sentences that clearly link the content of each paragraph to the main topic of increasing life expectancy.
  • Include appropriate linking words and phrases that connect ideas within and between paragraphs to enhance cohesion.
  • Ensure that the content directly addresses the task prompt. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of increasing life expectancy and its impact on society.

Lexical Resource4.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with appropriate use of lexical items relevant to the topic of child development and influence. However, the lexical resource is not entirely aligned with the given prompt about aging population and life expectancy, indicating a misunderstanding of the task. The vocabulary used is generally precise and varied, but the context is incorrect.

Recommendations:

  • Expand vocabulary range by incorporating more complex and varied words related to the specific topic of aging populations.
  • Practice using synonyms and topic-specific jargon to enhance lexical resource and avoid repetition.
  • Ensure that the vocabulary used is relevant to the task prompt. Focus on terms related to aging, life expectancy, and societal impacts to align with the essay topic.

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures, employing a variety of complex sentences and appropriate use of conjunctions. However, there are some areas where grammatical accuracy could be improved.

Recommendations:

  • Check for consistency in verb tense, particularly when discussing general truths or habitual actions, to maintain clarity and coherence.
  • Ensure that subject-verb agreement is maintained throughout the essay. For example, in the sentence 'media can impact children's desires and preferences,' ensure that verbs agree with their subjects in number.
  • Use more varied sentence structures to enhance grammatical range. For instance, incorporate relative clauses or conditional sentences to add complexity to the arguments presented.

Task Achievement2.0

The essay does not address the given task prompt regarding the advantages and disadvantages of increasing life expectancy and its impact on society. Instead, it discusses the influence of parents versus external factors on a child's development, which is unrelated to the task prompt.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that you fully understand and address the task prompt. Focus your essay on discussing the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population due to increased life expectancy, and provide your perspective on its societal impact.
  • Include specific examples and arguments related to the task prompt, such as economic, social, and healthcare implications of an aging population.
  • Structure your essay to first discuss the advantages, then the disadvantages, and finally provide your own perspective, directly related to the task prompt.
GRADED
3.5
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:2.0
Band Score:3.5
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4

Lexical Resource4
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation4

Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4

Task Achievement2
Complete response2
Clear & comprehensive ideas2
Relevant & specific examples2
Appropriate word count4