BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING THE MAIN PURPOSE OF UNIVERSITY EDUCATION - JOB PREPARATION VS. CRITICAL THINKING

Discover the benefits of keeping pets at home. This essay provides valuable insights into how keeping pets can enhance the health and happiness of your family, while also contributing to a safer society by reducing the number of homeless pets. Get tips and motivations to bring a pet into your home.

Writing Task

Some people argue that the primary purpose of a university education should be to prepare young individuals for future employment, while others believe that fostering critical thinking and problem-solving skills is of greater importance. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and reasons to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 3.0 Scoring and Feedback

Did you know how many homeless pets are dead in the street because of getting hit by cars or starving? Nowadays, many families are so small and have a child or two. Therefore, it will be a wise decision to bring home a pet as a new member of the family. Keeping pets at home will have many good effects on the pets’ and the families’ health and also make society safer. Keeping pets at home keep them physically healthier. Pets are domestic animals who are kept by humans because they can’t survive alone. Sometimes they are killed or eaten by wild animals or died because of many reasons, like starvation, accident, or so forth. I remember last year my cousin found an injured cat in the street and she brought her home, cured his injury, and kept it at home. Now the cat is a lovely member of their family and they are getting used to the cat. Also, keeping pets at home has many health benefits for the family members. Nowadays, because of stressful lifestyles, parents have many mental diseases that affect children. It is proven by scientists that keeping pets can reduce the stress of the family, improve heart health, and make the family happier. I remember 3 years ago that my uncle was living alone because of his wife’s death and he was so depressed. After about a year he brought home a husky and his life changed, surprisingly. He was not alone anymore and he was over the moon. Keeping pets at home make society a safer place, too. As we see frequently on the streets, there are many homeless pets there, and some of them are badly injured that sometimes causes them to become wild and invade people. Also, sometimes a sudden jump of a pet in a street can cause a serious accident. When people keep pets at home and the government gathers homeless animals we will have a safer society. I have read a piece of news in a newspaper about a country where the people were bothered by homeless animals that the government gathered them and people volunteered to keep them after vaccination and cure and most of them were so happy because of such a wise decision. In conclusion, keeping pets at home will make life better for humans. I hope people pay more attention to keeping homeless animals at home regardless of their breeds.
Words: 405Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 02:54 PM

Coherence And Cohesion3.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion as it diverges significantly from the task prompt. The paragraphs do not discuss the given topic about university education, and there is no clear logical progression of ideas relevant to the task. The argument presented is not related to the task, which disrupts the flow and logical connection expected in the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Organize the essay into clear paragraphs that each focus on a specific aspect of the discussion, ensuring each paragraph logically follows the previous one.
  • Ensure that the content directly addresses the task prompt, discussing the primary purpose of university education, and structuring paragraphs around this central theme.
  • Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs to improve the flow of the essay.
  • Develop a clear introduction and conclusion that are relevant to the task prompt, ensuring that they frame and summarize the main discussion points effectively.

Lexical Resource3.0

The essay does not adequately address the lexical resource criteria as it lacks topic-specific vocabulary related to university education, critical thinking, and employment preparation, which are central to the task prompt. Instead, the essay discusses the benefits of keeping pets at home, which is unrelated to the task. The vocabulary used is simple and repetitive, with limited use of synonyms or advanced vocabulary. For example, words like 'keeping pets' and 'homeless animals' are repeated without variation, and there is a lack of precise or varied language to express ideas clearly.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate a wider range of synonyms and advanced vocabulary to avoid repetition and enhance the richness of the language. For instance, instead of repeating 'keeping pets', use alternatives like 'pet ownership' or 'adopting animals'.
  • Use more precise language to express ideas clearly. For example, instead of 'keeping pets at home make society a safer place', use 'integrating pets into households contributes to community safety'.
  • Ensure the essay addresses the topic prompt directly, using vocabulary relevant to university education, such as 'curriculum', 'academic skills', 'employment opportunities', 'critical analysis', and 'problem-solving'. This will demonstrate a better range of lexical resource.

Grammatical Range3.0

The essay demonstrates a basic level of grammatical range with simple sentence structures and limited complex sentences. There is an attempt to vary sentence structures, but errors in agreement, tense, and word choice are present, affecting clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence openings to avoid repetitive sentence structures and improve overall fluency.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is consistent throughout the essay, particularly in sentences like 'Keeping pets at home keep them physically healthier.'
  • Use appropriate verb tenses consistently, for example, 'are dead' should be 'die' to match the present context.
  • Improve word choice and precision, such as using 'died' instead of 'are dead' and 'make' instead of 'makes' for singular subjects.
  • Incorporate a wider variety of complex sentence structures such as compound and complex sentences to enhance grammatical range.

Task Achievement2.0

The essay does not address the given task prompt about university education and its purposes. Instead, it discusses the benefits of keeping pets at home, which is unrelated to the task. This results in a complete lack of task achievement as the response is off-topic.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the essay directly addresses the task prompt. Read and understand the question carefully to respond accurately.
  • Include relevant arguments and examples that pertain to the topic of university education, as outlined in the task prompt.
  • Refrain from introducing unrelated topics, such as pet ownership, which do not contribute to answering the question.
GRADED
3.0
Coherence and Cohesion:3.0
Lexical Resource:3.0
Grammatical Range:3.0
Task Achievement:2.0
Band Score:3.0
Coherence and Cohesion3
Logical structure3
Introduction & conclusion present3
Supported main points3
Accurate linking words3
Variety in linking words3

Lexical Resource3
Varied vocabulary3
Accurate spelling & word formation3

Grammatical Range3
Mix of complex & simple sentences3
Clear and correct grammar3

Task Achievement2
Complete response2
Clear & comprehensive ideas2
Relevant & specific examples2
Appropriate word count3