BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES 1850 VS 2020

Explore our Band 7.5 IELTS essay sample, focusing on Canadian industry workforce trends from 1850 to 2020. Learn about the rise of the services industry, the decline of agriculture/fishing and manufacturing, and the stable figures for the construction and energy/water industries. Perfect for IELTS aspirants needing high-quality study references.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.5 Scoring and Feedback

Overall, whilst the proportion of the workforce for the agriculture/fishing industry almost vanished over the given period, this figure for the services industry soared dramatically. The percentage of the Canadian workforce for agriculture/fishing in 1850 was 22%, it decreased to merely 1% in the year 2020. In contrast, the figure for the services industry went from 33% to an overwhelming 81% over the given period. This makes the services industry the main lead of Canada's economy in the year 2020. The two contrary trends make the services industry's workforce account more than 80 times higher compared to that of the agriculture/fishing industry. The manufacturing industry saw a large downfall between the years 1850 and 2020. Its workforce proportion went from 36% in 1850 to only 9% in 2020. The remaining 2 major industries of Canada didn't see any large change. With the construction industry from 5% to 8% and the energy/water industry from 3% to 1%.
Words: 156Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/24/2023, 09:16 AM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay demonstrates a clear and logical structure, effectively organizing information about the changes in workforce distribution across industries from 1850 to 2020. It begins with an overview, followed by detailed comparisons between the years for each industry. Linking words and phrases are used to connect ideas, although some transitions could be smoother. The essay maintains a consistent focus on the task and presents a well-sequenced response.

Recommendations:

  • Use a variety of linking words to enhance cohesion, such as 'similarly,' 'however,' and 'in addition.'
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to guide the reader through the main points.
  • Improve transitions between sentences and paragraphs for smoother flow, especially when introducing new industries or comparisons.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, with accurate use of terms like "proportion," "vanished," "soared," and "downfall." There is an effective use of adjectives such as "overwhelming" and "dramatic," which enhance the description of changes. However, there are some repetitive phrases, such as "over the given period," and opportunities to use more varied expressions to describe trends and comparisons. The essay mostly maintains precision, but could benefit from more sophisticated vocabulary to enhance clarity and depth.

Recommendations:

  • Replace repetitive phrases like 'over the given period' with alternatives such as 'throughout the timeframe' or 'across the years.'
  • Use more varied expressions to describe changes, such as 'declined sharply' or 'experienced a significant reduction.'
  • Incorporate more advanced vocabulary to describe trends and comparisons, like 'fluctuated,' 'remained stable,' or 'experienced a surge.'

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay generally uses a range of grammatical structures accurately, including complex sentences and passive voice. However, there are some areas where grammatical accuracy can be improved.

Recommendations:

  • Check punctuation usage, particularly with commas in complex sentences, e.g., 'The percentage of the Canadian workforce for agriculture/fishing in 1850 was 22%, it decreased...' could be improved with a semicolon or conjunction.
  • Avoid repetition of similar sentence structures, such as starting multiple sentences with 'The percentage of...'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'account more than 80 times higher' should be 'accounts for more than 80 times.'
  • Use more varied sentence structures to enhance complexity, e.g., combine short sentences for better flow.

Task Achievement8.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the changes in the Canadian workforce across different industries between 1850 and 2020. It identifies major trends, such as the significant increase in the services industry and the decline in agriculture/fishing and manufacturing. The essay also notes the minimal changes in construction and energy/water industries.

Recommendations:

  • Include a brief introduction that clearly states the purpose of the essay and summarizes the overall trends.
  • Add more detailed comparisons and specific data points for the construction and energy/water industries to provide a more comprehensive analysis.
  • Ensure that the essay explicitly addresses all industries mentioned in the chart to fully achieve the task requirements.
GRADED
7.5
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:8.0
Band Score:7.5
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7
Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7
Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7
Task Achievement8
Complete response8
Clear & comprehensive ideas8
Relevant & specific examples8
Appropriate word count8
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