BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE DISTRIBUTION IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES FROM 1850 TO 2020

Discover an IELTS band 7.5 essay sample comparing the proportions of Canadian workforce across five industries from 1850 to 2020. Understand trends in services, manufacturing, agriculture/fishing, and construction sectors and how they've shifted over time.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.0 Scoring and Feedback

The bar chart illustrates the proportions for Canadian workforce working in 5 different industries in 1850 and 2020. Overall, the figures for services and construction followed an upward trend, while others had decreased significantly by the end of 2020. Amongs the sectors, Canadian people working in services, manufacturing and agriculture/fishing accounted for higher percentages in 1850; meanwhile in 2020, those in services dominated the chart. As can be seen, in 1850, Canadian workforce in services constituted approximately one third of the chart. However, this figure rocketed to an overwhelming 81% in 2020, which was almost a half higher. Similarly, although there was only 5% of Canadian workers in construction industry in 1850, its proportion had raised slightly to 8% by the end of 2020. In contrast, the dominant figure in 1850 was in manufacturing, at 36%. Despite this, it underwent a significant drop to 9% in 2020, which was 4 times as less. The proportion for agriculture/fishing sector also decreased remarkably by over one fifth in 2020, from 22% to 1%. The same trend was seen in energy/water, the percentage for 2020 was just a mere 1%, 3 times lower than the one in 1850.
Words: 195Paragraphs: 3
Submitted: 7/15/2023, 11:44 AM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. It effectively uses linking words and phrases to connect ideas and ensure logical flow. However, there are occasional lapses in cohesion, such as the abrupt transition between some comparisons and the lack of explicit connections in certain parts.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt transitions by providing brief explanations or context when introducing new comparisons.
  • Use more varied linking words to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to maintain coherence.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with some precise terms related to the topic, such as 'proportions', 'dominated', and 'constituted'. However, there are occasional inaccuracies and awkward phrases that affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms or rephrasing, like using 'sector' instead of repeating 'industry'.
  • Use more varied vocabulary to describe trends, such as 'increased dramatically' instead of 'rocketed', and 'experienced a decline' instead of 'underwent a significant drop'.
  • Ensure accurate use of collocations, such as 'rise slightly' instead of 'raised slightly'.
  • Clarify awkward phrases, such as 'which was almost a half higher', to improve readability and precision.

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures with a variety of sentence types, including complex sentences. However, there are some minor grammatical errors and areas where sentence structures could be more varied.

Recommendations:

  • Use more varied sentence structures to enhance complexity, such as using passive voice or conditional sentences.
  • Incorporate more relative clauses to provide additional information and variety.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'its proportion had raised' should be 'its proportion had risen.'
  • Correct minor errors like 'Amongs' to 'Among' and '4 times as less' to 'four times less.'

Task Achievement7.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the Canadian workforce across different industries from 1850 to 2020. It accurately identifies the significant increase in the services sector and the decrease in other sectors such as manufacturing and agriculture/fishing. The essay effectively highlights key figures and compares the data between the two years, fulfilling the task requirements. However, there are minor inaccuracies and areas that could be improved for clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure all figures are described accurately. For example, clarify that the increase in services is from 33% to 81%, not 'almost a half higher.'
  • Ensure consistency in terminology, such as using 'percentage' consistently instead of 'proportion' or 'figure.'
  • Include a more balanced overview by mentioning all the industries briefly in the introduction.
  • Clarify the language used for comparisons, such as 'four times less,' to improve precision and avoid confusion.
GRADED
7.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:7.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7
Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7
Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7
Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7
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