BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING OLYMPIC PARTICIPATION TRENDS AND COMPARISONS OVER THE YEARS

Explore our IELTS Essay Sample with a Band 6.5 Score! Gain insights into the gender ratio and participation trends of athletes in Olympic Games across the century. Understand the pattern of increased female participation and total growth of athletes. Excellent resource for IELT preparation.

Writing Task

The chart and graph below give information about participants who have entered the Olympics since it began.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.0 Scoring and Feedback

The chart and graph line given illustrate about gender and number of athletes who have entered the games since they started. The bar chart demonstrate the number of men and women entering the games, whereas the line graph shows the number of participants. It is evident from the bar chart that, until 2012, there were significantly more men entering the games than women. In 1924 and 1952, there were hardly any women entering the Olympics. In 1952 there were over 4,000 male participants. In 2012, however, the number of female athletes rose significantly to nearly 5,000, only approximately 1,000 lower than male participants. The line graph shows a similar trend, with the number of participants increasing during a century. The most significant growth has happened between 1984 and 2012, when the number of athletes rose from just over 6,000 to over 10,000 in 2012. It is clear that since 1924 the number of athletes entering the Olympic Games, has increased dramatically.
Words: 161Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 02:24 AM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay provides a clear structure, starting with an introduction, followed by detailed observations from the bar chart and line graph. However, the transitions between sentences and sections could be smoother to enhance the overall flow.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, maintaining a clear progression of ideas.
  • Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs more effectively, such as 'similarly,' 'in addition,' or 'on the other hand.'
  • Avoid abrupt endings by summarizing key points and linking back to the overall trends.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts at precision. However, there are areas where word choice could be improved for greater clarity and variety. For instance, the use of 'illustrate about' could be replaced with 'illustrate' or 'provide information on' for precision. The phrase 'hardly any women' could be replaced with 'very few women' to maintain formal tone. Additionally, repetitive use of words like 'number of participants' could be varied with synonyms such as 'athlete count' or 'competitor figures'.

Recommendations:

  • Use 'very few women' instead of 'hardly any women' to maintain a formal tone.
  • Replace 'illustrate about' with 'illustrate' or 'provide information on' for clarity.
  • Vary vocabulary by using synonyms for 'number of participants', such as 'athlete count' or 'competitor figures'.

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures, using a mix of simple and complex sentences. There are some minor errors in subject-verb agreement and punctuation, but they do not impede understanding. Overall, the grammar used is varied and mostly accurate.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more complex sentence structures to enhance grammatical range, such as using subordinate clauses or passive voice constructions.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'The bar chart demonstrate' should be 'The bar chart demonstrates.'
  • Use commas correctly to avoid unnecessary pauses, e.g., 'since 1924 the number of athletes entering the Olympic Games, has increased dramatically' should not have a comma after 'Games.'

Task Achievement7.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the data, highlighting the main trends in the participation of male and female athletes in the Olympics from 1924 to 2012. It correctly identifies the significant increase in female participation over time and the overall rise in the number of athletes. The essay effectively summarizes the key features of both the bar chart and line graph, making relevant comparisons.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid minor grammatical errors, such as unnecessary commas, to improve clarity and professionalism.
  • Include more specific data points from the charts to strengthen the analysis, such as exact numbers for each year where relevant.
  • Ensure the introduction clearly summarizes both visual elements, specifying what each represents without redundancy.
GRADED
7.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:7.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7
Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7
Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7
Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7
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