BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF UK EMPLOYMENT STATS FROM 1998 TO 2012

Explore our comprehensive Band 6.5 IELTS essay sample analyzing the distribution of employment in the UK from 1988 to 2012. Understand key trends in full-time and part-time jobs held by both men and women. Discover IELTS writing strategies through well-structured examples and detailed statistical data interpretation.

Writing Task

The charts give information about employment in the UK in 1998 and 2012.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.0 Scoring and Feedback

The two pie charts present information about the proportion of employment in four categories in the UK, over a 24-year period between 1988 and 2012. Overall, it can be clearly seen that in both years, the percentage of men who had full-time jobs was the highest while the proportion of men with part-time jobs was the lowest. With regard to the percentage of full-time men employees , it was accounted for 53% in the first year, and then it decreased by 6% in 2012 as apposed to the figure for men who had part-time jobs that started at 6 and increased slightly to 7 in the final year. If we look at the percentage of women employees with full-time jobs, it comprised 19% of the total employee in 1988, after which it went up by 7% to 26% in the final year of the given period. As for the percentage of women with part-time jobs, it started at 22%, fell moderately, reaching 20% in 2012.
Words: 165Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 06:50 PM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay provides a clear overview of employment trends in the UK over the specified period, with logical progression and effective paragraphing. It begins with an introduction that sets the context, followed by paragraphs that detail specific employment categories. However, there are some areas where coherence and cohesion could be improved, such as the use of linking words and sentence structures.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent use of terms and phrases to describe the data, avoiding repetition of similar phrases.
  • Use more linking words and phrases to enhance the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs, such as 'in contrast', 'similarly', or 'on the other hand'.
  • Improve sentence variety by combining shorter sentences or breaking up longer ones to maintain reader engagement.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the task, effectively describing the data and trends shown in the charts. The writer uses terms like 'proportion,' 'percentage,' 'full-time,' 'part-time,' 'comprised,' and 'moderately,' which are appropriate for the context. However, there are some errors and inconsistencies that affect the clarity and precision of the language. For instance, 'as apposed to' should be 'as opposed to,' and 'was accounted for' should be 'accounted for.' These errors slightly detract from the overall lexical resource.

Recommendations:

  • Consider using more varied synonyms for 'percentage' and 'proportion' to enhance lexical variety.
  • Correct the phrase 'as apposed to' to 'as opposed to' to ensure accuracy.
  • Replace 'was accounted for 53%' with 'accounted for 53%' for grammatical accuracy.

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and passive voice. However, there are some errors in verb tense and preposition use that affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures more to include different types of complex sentences, such as conditional or relative clauses.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, particularly with phrases like 'it was accounted for.' Use 'accounted for' without 'was' for correct usage.
  • Check preposition use, such as 'as apposed to,' which should be 'as opposed to.'
  • Review punctuation, particularly the placement of commas, to improve sentence clarity and flow.

Task Achievement7.0

The essay provides an overview of employment proportions in the UK for 1988 and 2012, focusing on gender and employment type. It identifies key trends, such as the dominance of full-time male employment and changes in female employment patterns. However, specific numerical data is not consistently included, and the essay could benefit from more detailed comparisons.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the time span as 24 years instead of 24-year period between 1988 and 2012.
  • Make more detailed comparisons between the two years for each category.
  • Ensure all relevant numerical data from the charts is included to support statements about employment proportions.
GRADED
7.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:7.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7
Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7
Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7
Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7
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