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BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS OF ANNUAL EARNINGS OF CALGARY BAKERIES BETWEEN 2000-2010

Explore our comprehensive Band 7.5 IELTS writing sample featuring the line graph analysis of annual earnings in three Calgary bakeries from 2000 to 2010. Gain insights into their financial trends and learn the effective way to describe data for your IELTS examination.

Writing Task

The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary, 2000-2010.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.5 Scoring and Feedback

The line graph shows information about the amount of money that was earned (measure yearly in dollars) in three bakeries in Calgary in a ten-year period between 2000 and 2010. Overall, it can be clearly seen that there were significant upward trends in the amount of money earn in Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery while there was a downward trend in the figure for Mari Bakeshop over the given period. Woth regard to the amount of the money that was made in Amandine Bakery, it started at just under 60000 in the first year, and then the figure remained unchanged for five years (to 2005) before reaching a peak at approximately 100000 in the final year. Similarly, as for the amount of earned money in Bolo Cakery, it started at just 20000 in the first year, and then fluctuated for two years, increased dramatically by 20000 to 40000 in 2003, after which reaching its peak in the final year. On the other hand, if we look at the amount of money that was earned in Mari Bakery, it was the highest from 2000 to 2010, and started at 80000 in 2000, and subsequently fluctuated dramatically before reaching a low of 40000 in the last year.
Words: 205Paragraphs: 3
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 08:55 PM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay provides a clear overview and organizes information logically, but some transitions and connections between ideas could be smoother.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent use of terminology, such as 'earnings' instead of switching between 'money earned' and 'amount of money.'
  • Use more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs more cohesively.
  • Clarify the relationship between trends and specific data points to strengthen cohesion.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay uses a range of vocabulary to describe the trends and comparisons among the three bakeries. It includes specific terms like 'upward trends', 'fluctuated', 'peak', and 'dramatically', which effectively convey changes in data. However, there are some lexical inaccuracies such as 'Woth' instead of 'With' and 'earn' instead of 'earned'. Additionally, some phrases could be more precise, such as 'amount of money earn' which should be 'amount of money earned'.

Recommendations:

  • Expand the range of vocabulary by incorporating more varied expressions for describing trends, such as 'rise', 'decline', 'stabilize', etc.
  • Correct lexical inaccuracies like 'Woth' to 'With' and 'earn' to 'earned'.
  • Use more precise terms for clarity, such as 'amount of money earned' instead of 'amount of money earn'.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence beginnings. However, there are some grammatical errors and inconsistencies that need attention.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is consistent, such as correcting 'earn' to 'earned' in 'money earn in Amandine Bakery.'
  • Improve the use of articles, e.g., 'the amount of the money' should be 'the amount of money.'
  • Avoid run-on sentences by using appropriate punctuation or conjunctions, especially in sentences with multiple clauses.
  • Correct minor spelling errors, such as 'Woth' to 'With.'

Task Achievement7.0

The essay provides an overview of the trends in the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary from 2000 to 2010. It identifies the upward trends in Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery and the downward trend in Mari Bakeshop. The essay includes specific data points and comparisons between the bakeries, addressing the main features of the graph.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the description of fluctuations for better precision, especially for Bolo Cakery.
  • Use more varied vocabulary to describe trends, such as 'leveled off,' 'rose steadily,' or 'declined sharply,' to enhance clarity and engagement.
  • Ensure all key features are covered, such as specific years where trends intersect or change significantly.
GRADED
6.5
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:6.5
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7
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