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BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF E-COMMERCE PURCHASES BY INDUSTRY IN CANADA (2015-2019)

Explore this detailed analysis of a Band 7.5 IELTS essay sample that delves into the trend of e-commerce purchases across various business sectors in Canada from 2015 to 2019. Uncover insights on the remarkable growth of e-commerce in the Information and Communication sector, followed by Retail, wholesale, construction, and manufacturing. Perfect for IELTS preparation and comprehensive understanding of business buying trends.

Writing Task

The chart below shows the proportion of businesses making e-commerce purchases by industry in Canada between 2015 and 2019.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.5 Scoring and Feedback

Presented is a bar chart comparing the percentages of diverse business sectors which had made e-commerce purchases in Canada during a five-year period commencing from 2015. Overall, it can be observed from the graph that all the given businesses purchased the lowest amount in 2015. However, information and communication witnessed the largest proportions in the given years. Information and communication category, registered the biggest percentages of about 75% in the graph in 2018, and also it was greater than the other four years. Followed by 2017 standing at roughly 71%, and 2019 and 2017 both accounted at 70%. On the other hand, 62% was the registered figure in 2015. Moreover, Retail section, similarly had its largest amount in 2018 at about 57%, followed closely in 2019, 2017 and 2016 standing at 56%, 54%, 52%, respectively, whereas there was a significant different in its purchase rate in 2015 which was 32%. In addition, along the three remaining categories, 2018 was the year that all has purchased the biggest amount, accounting at about 62%, 55% and 58% for wholesale, construction and manufacturing sectors in the given order. Followed by 2018 in wholesale and construction. Opposed to manufacturing in which 2016 had ranked second at 52%. In addition, the lowest percentages of all the given industry groups had been made in 2016.
Words: 219Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 01:46 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the data and highlights key trends and comparisons effectively. However, the organization and flow of information could be improved for better coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt transitions between ideas. For instance, the shift from discussing Information and Communication to Retail could be smoother with a transitional phrase.
  • Use cohesive devices more effectively to link sentences and paragraphs smoothly. For example, use connectors like 'furthermore,' 'in contrast,' or 'similarly' to enhance the flow.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea. The paragraph discussing the Information and Communication sector could be split to focus separately on this sector and another on Retail for clarity.
  • Maintain consistent referencing to the data. Ensure that each data point mentioned is clearly linked back to the overall trends or comparisons being discussed.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, using terms like 'proportions,' 'categories,' and 'percentages.' However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and some repetition, such as using 'biggest percentages' and 'largest amount' frequently. The use of linking words could be more varied to enhance cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more complex vocabulary related to data description, like 'dominant,' 'prevalent,' or 'notable.'
  • Use more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition, such as replacing 'biggest percentages' with 'highest figures' or 'peak values.'
  • Improve the use of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow, such as 'in contrast,' 'similarly,' or 'notably.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence, such as incorrect verb forms, punctuation misuse, and awkward phrasing.

Recommendations:

  • Review punctuation use, especially commas, to ensure clarity and correct separation of clauses.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement in sentences, e.g., 'Information and communication category, registered' should be 'Information and communication category registered.'
  • Use articles correctly, such as 'the retail section' instead of 'Retail section.'
  • Improve sentence structure by avoiding sentence fragments, e.g., 'Followed by 2018 in wholesale and construction.' should be rewritten to form a complete sentence.
  • Use more varied sentence structures to enhance grammatical range, such as using passive voice or conditional sentences where appropriate.

Task Achievement7.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the bar chart, identifying key trends and features, such as the overall increase in e-commerce purchases across industries and the prominence of the Information and Communications sector. It effectively highlights specific data points, like the peak in 2018 for several industries. However, the essay could improve by offering a more balanced comparison across all sectors and ensuring clarity in the presentation of data.

Recommendations:

  • Include more comparative language to highlight differences and similarities between sectors.
  • Ensure accurate representation of data points to avoid misinterpretation.
  • Ensure all industries are covered equally to provide a balanced overview of the chart.
  • Clarify sentences to avoid confusion, especially when comparing data across years.
GRADED
6.5
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:6.5
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7
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