BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE DISTRIBUTION IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES (1850 VS 2020)

Explore our IELTS essay sample analyzing the dramatic shifts in the Canadian workforce across five key industries from 1850 to 2020. Discover the trends in services, construction, manufacturing, agriculture/fishing, and energy/water sectors. Ideal resource for students targeting a band 7.5 score.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.5 Scoring and Feedback

The bar chart reveals data related to the compression of the Canadian workforce percentage in five main industries in 1850 and 2020. Overall, the number of employees in service and construction have experienced an increasing trend, while manufacturing, agriculture/fishing and energy/water have had a dramatic decline over the same period. Turning to the bar chart, the percentage of the workforce for the service related job significantly grew in the given time interval, and approximately reached 3 quarters in 2020 from its initial point at a third in 1850. Moreover, construction sector had a modest surge and increased from 5% to roughly a tenth in the same window. With the referring to other parts of the data, manufacturing has sharply decreased in 2020 comparing to 1850 and met the value of less than a tenth, where started with the value of 36% primarily. On the other hand, the number of the people who were involved in agriculture/fishing industry abruptly declined and from a little less than a quarter in1850 tended to zero in 2020 and reached 1%. Ultimately, energy/water portion was almost consistent and only altered in the margin of 2%, where faced a minor decrement from 3 to percent in the given time.
Words: 203Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/25/2023, 07:10 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.5

The essay generally follows a logical order, beginning with an overview, followed by detailed comparisons. However, some transitions between ideas could be improved for smoother flow, and there are occasional inconsistencies in the use of linking words.

Recommendations:

  • Group related information more clearly. For instance, when discussing declines, consider combining agriculture/fishing and manufacturing in a single paragraph for better coherence.
  • Use more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly. For example, instead of 'Turning to the bar chart,' consider 'Examining the details further,' to maintain a formal tone.
  • Ensure consistency in referencing data points. For example, when discussing changes, consistently use phrases like 'increased to' or 'decreased from' to maintain clarity.

Lexical Resource6.5

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common words and phrases related to the topic, such as "compression," "dramatic decline," and "modest surge." However, there are areas where word choice could be more precise, and some phrases are awkward or unclear, like "compression of the Canadian workforce percentage" and "with the referring to other parts of the data." The essay also includes some repetition, such as the use of "percentage" and "decline."

Recommendations:

  • Vary word choice to avoid repetition, especially with terms like 'percentage' and 'decline.'
  • Use more precise vocabulary to describe changes, such as 'increase' instead of 'surge,' depending on the context.
  • Avoid awkward phrasing by simplifying expressions, for example, 'the percentage of the Canadian workforce in each industry' instead of 'compression of the Canadian workforce percentage.'
  • Incorporate more varied and precise vocabulary to describe trends, such as 'rise,' 'fall,' 'growth,' and 'reduction.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied tenses. However, there are several grammatical errors and awkward constructions that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Use consistent tense, e.g., 'has sharply decreased' should match the past tense used elsewhere.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'service and construction have experienced' should be 'services and construction have experienced.'
  • Use articles correctly, e.g., 'the compression of the Canadian workforce percentage' should be 'the composition of the Canadian workforce.'
  • Avoid awkward phrasing, e.g., 'With the referring to other parts of the data' could be 'Referring to other parts of the data.'
  • Clarify comparisons, e.g., 'tended to zero in 2020 and reached 1%' could be 'dropped to nearly zero by 2020, reaching just 1%.'

Task Achievement7.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the changes in the Canadian workforce distribution across five industries from 1850 to 2020. It identifies key trends such as the increase in the service and construction sectors and the decline in manufacturing, agriculture/fishing, and energy/water sectors. The essay includes specific data points and comparisons, effectively summarizing the main features of the bar chart.

Recommendations:

  • Enhance the introduction by clearly stating the purpose of the bar chart, such as illustrating shifts in workforce distribution over time.
  • Ensure all percentages mentioned in the essay match the data in the chart accurately. For example, verify the service sector's increase to 81% instead of 'approximately three quarters.'
  • Clarify descriptions for better accuracy, such as specifying the exact decrease in manufacturing from 36% to 9% instead of 'less than a tenth.'
GRADED
6.5
Coherence and Cohesion:6.5
Lexical Resource:6.5
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:6.5
Coherence and Cohesion6.5
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6.5
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation7
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7
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