BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES (1850 VS 2020)

Explore comprehensive IELTS essay sample on labor distribution in Canada's core industries from 1850 to 2020. Understand the significant shift from manufacturing to services, including notable changes in agriculture, construction, energy & water sectors. Perfect for 6.5 band score preparation.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.5 Scoring and Feedback

The bar graph illustrates the percentage of labour force in five major industries in Canada in two different years: 1850 and 2020, which are manufacturing, services, agriculture, construction and energy/water. Overall, there was a difference between the percetage of Canadian workforce in 1850 and 2020. In 1850, manufacturing had the highest percentage while the highest in 2020 is services, In both 2 years, energy had the lowest and in 2020, agriculture was also as low as the energy. Firstly, the workfoce in manufacturing industry was 36% in 1850, which was the highest percentage at that time. Then, in 2020, it fell sharply to only 9%. In 1850, the percentage of labour force in services was 33% and it increased significantly to 81% in the next 70 following years. At the same time, there was a remarkable decrease in the percentage of Canadian agriculture/fishing industry, which was from 22% to only 1% while the construction industry slightly rose by 3% from 5%. Energy/water industry had the lowest percentage in both 2 years, which was 3% in 1850 and then fell to 1% in 2020. There was a similarity in the proportions of Canadian workforce in agriculture/fishing and energy/water industries
Words: 198Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/15/2023, 04:05 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay provides a structured comparison of the Canadian workforce distribution across industries in 1850 and 2020. It generally maintains a logical flow, starting with an overview and then detailing each industry's changes. However, some transitions between ideas are abrupt, and certain comparisons could be more explicitly linked.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent use of terminology (e.g., 'labour force' vs. 'workforce').
  • Improve transitions between paragraphs to enhance flow. Use linking words or phrases to connect ideas smoothly.
  • Clarify comparisons by explicitly stating how data from 1850 and 2020 relate to each other in each paragraph.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as 'labour force', 'percentage', 'industries', and 'remarkable decrease'. However, there are a few spelling errors and some repetition of words and phrases.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more precise adjectives and adverbs to enhance descriptions, such as 'dramatically' or 'substantially' for changes in percentages.
  • Correct spelling errors such as 'percetage' and 'workfoce' to 'percentage' and 'workforce'.
  • Use more varied vocabulary to describe changes, such as 'dropped significantly', 'plummeted', or 'soared', to avoid repetition.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and passive voice, but there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures to include more complex sentences, such as using relative clauses or conditionals.
  • Avoid repetition of phrases like 'in both 2 years' by rephrasing for clarity and variety.
  • Correct spelling errors such as 'percetage' to 'percentage' and 'workfoce' to 'workforce.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'the highest in 2020 is services' should be 'was services.'
  • Use articles correctly, e.g., 'in manufacturing industry' should be 'in the manufacturing industry.'

Task Achievement7.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the changes in the Canadian workforce across five major industries between 1850 and 2020. It highlights key features such as the dominance of manufacturing in 1850 and the shift to services by 2020, with specific percentages included. The essay also notes the lowest percentages in energy/water and agriculture in 2020, and provides a comparison of trends over the years.

Recommendations:

  • Add more specific comparisons between the two years to enhance the analysis of trends.
  • Ensure all industry names are consistently capitalized for clarity and formality.
  • Include a clearer summary statement at the end to encapsulate the overall trends observed.
GRADED
6.5
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:6.5
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7
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