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BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE TRENDS IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES FROM 1850 TO 2020

Explore our comprehensive IELTS essay sample analysing workforce trends in five Canadian industries from 1850 to 2020. Discover key insights into the dynamic shifts within services, construction, manufacturing, agriculture/fishing, and energy/water industries. Ideal study resource for band 7.5 IELTS aspirants.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The supplied bar chart provide information on the percentage of Canadian workforce in five different industries in the years 1850 and 2020. It is noticeable that, the proportion of workforces in services and construction industries had an rising trend and in the fields of manufacturing, agriculture/fishing, and energy/water experienced a sharp decrement. In the year 1850, services and construction industries accounted for 33% and 5% of workforce, respectively. It can be seen that, there was a significant climb from 33% to 81% in services workforce from 1850 to 2020. Moreover, construction industry slightly rose to 8% in 2020. It is also seen that, in 2020, services had the largest percentage. On the contrary, the information in the bar graph illustrates that both manufacturing and agriculture/fishing sectors drastically dropped to less than 10 percent over the period. Energy/water industry began with 3% in the year 1850 and culminated in 1% in 2020. On the whole, all three industries including manufacturing, agriculture/fishing and energy/water had a downward trend which means that the percentage of workforce in these industries declined, although in 1850 manufacturing had the largest workforce percentage.
Words: 186Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 06:32 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents information in a logical sequence, with clear paragraphing and appropriate use of linking devices. However, some transitions could be smoother, and there are minor issues with sentence structure that affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure sentence structures are varied and clear to maintain coherence. For instance, rephrase 'It is noticeable that, the proportion of workforces...' to 'It is noticeable that the proportion of the workforce...' for better clarity.
  • Avoid repetition of phrases like 'It can be seen that' to maintain cohesion and enhance readability.
  • Improve the use of linking words to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs. For example, use 'In contrast' instead of 'On the contrary' for smoother transitions.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts at precision. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect word forms that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Use 'energy and water' instead of 'energy/water' for consistency.
  • Consider using synonyms for 'workforce' to avoid repetition, such as 'labor force' or 'employees.'
  • Replace 'provide' with 'provides' for subject-verb agreement.
  • Use 'an increase' instead of 'an rising trend' to correct the word form.
  • Replace 'sharp decrement' with 'sharp decrease' for more natural phrasing.
  • Use 'overall' instead of 'on the whole' for a more formal tone.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and passive voice. However, there are several grammatical errors and inconsistencies that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Improve sentence variety by using more complex structures, such as conditional or relative clauses.
  • Avoid unnecessary commas, e.g., 'It is noticeable that,' can be 'It is noticeable that' without the comma.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'provide' should be 'provides' in 'The supplied bar chart provide.'
  • Use articles correctly, e.g., 'an rising trend' should be 'a rising trend.'
  • Maintain consistent tense usage, e.g., 'had an rising trend' should be 'had a rising trend.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides an overview of the changes in the Canadian workforce across five industries from 1850 to 2020, highlighting key trends and comparisons. It effectively identifies the significant increase in the services sector and the decline in manufacturing, agriculture/fishing, and energy/water sectors. However, the essay lacks some clarity and specificity, particularly in the introduction and conclusion.

Recommendations:

  • Improve the conclusion by summarizing the main findings and their implications more clearly.
  • Clarify the introduction by clearly stating the purpose of the essay and summarizing the main trends observed in the data.
  • Ensure all relevant data points are included and accurately described, such as the specific percentage changes for each industry.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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