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BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS AND COMPARISON OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE PERCENTAGES IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES (1850 VS 2020)

Explore a detailed band 7.5 IELTS essay sample discussing changes in Canadian employment across five industries from 1850 to 2020. Discover trends in Manufacturing, Services, Agriculture/Fishing, Construction, and Energy/Water industries. Perfect resource for IELTS preparation.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The bar char illustrates the proportions of Canadian workers in five different industries in the years 1850 and 2020. Overall, Manufacturing and Services are the two major fields that Canadian employees are working in in both years, whereas other three industries weren't in favor of labor society. In 1850 Manufacturing, Services and Agriculture/Fishing are the three most demanding areas for people of Canada to work with 36%, 33% and 22% respectively. In this year other industries like constructions and energy/water are two low demanding industries with 5% and 3% respectively. In 2020 the people who work in Manufacturing decreased dramatically to 9% but in stark contrast workers in Services increased to 81% which is the most demanding industry in 2020. Employees who work in Agriculture/Fishing business falls to 1% which is significant decrease since 19850. Also the Energy/Water industries has the same condition in 2020. Construction industries experience a slight increase in workforce from 5% in 1850 to 8% in 2020.
Words: 161Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 03:41 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the data, identifying major trends and changes over time. However, there are issues with paragraph structure and transitions between ideas, affecting the overall coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent use of tenses and avoid abrupt changes in verb tenses to maintain flow.
  • Clarify the reference to 'other three industries' in the introduction to avoid confusion and improve understanding.
  • Use clear paragraphing to separate different points or comparisons. For example, dedicate one paragraph to 1850 and another to 2020 to enhance clarity.
  • Improve transitions between ideas. Use linking words and phrases such as 'however,' 'in contrast,' and 'similarly' to connect sentences and paragraphs smoothly.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, using terms relevant to the topic such as 'proportions,' 'industries,' and 'workforce.' However, it lacks variety and precision in word choice, with some repetition and minor inaccuracies. For instance, 'in favor of labor society' is awkwardly phrased, and 'most demanding areas' could be clearer. Additionally, the use of terms like 'dramatically' and 'stark contrast' shows an attempt to convey change, but more precise language could enhance clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Eliminate awkward phrases and improve clarity, for example, rephrase 'in favor of labor society' to 'less favored by the workforce.'
  • Expand vocabulary related to industry and employment, using synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition.
  • Use more precise language to describe changes and trends, such as 'significant increase' or 'notable decline.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with some errors that affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Use consistent verb tenses, such as past tense for historical data ('were' instead of 'are').
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, for example, 'industries weren't' should be 'industries weren't favored.'
  • Use articles correctly, such as 'the construction industry' instead of 'constructions.'
  • Improve sentence structure by varying sentence lengths and types to enhance readability.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides an overview of the changes in the Canadian workforce across five industries between 1850 and 2020. It identifies key trends, such as the decline in Manufacturing and Agriculture/Fishing, and the significant rise in Services. However, the essay lacks some clarity and precision in reporting and comparing the data.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure all industries are equally covered in terms of detail to provide a balanced overview.
  • Include more specific data points to support comparisons, such as stating the exact percentage changes for each industry.
  • Clarify the overall trends by summarizing the major shifts more effectively, such as emphasizing the dominance of the Services sector by 2020.
  • Avoid using informal language like 'weren't in favor of labor society' and instead use precise terms to describe trends.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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