BAND 7.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARISONS OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE PERCENTAGES IN FIVE MAJOR INDUSTRIES (1850 VS. 2020)

Explore our comprehensive guide featuring a Band 7.0 IELTS essay sample. This detailed analysis provides an overview of the Canadian workforce distribution across five key industries in 1850 and 2020. Discover trends in employment growth and decline in sectors like manufacturing, services, and construction. Understand the evolving employment landscape in Canada through our well-researched IELTS essay samples.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The bar chart demonstrates the dissemination of Canadian workforce between five different industries in 1850 and 2020. The highest rate of employment was observed in manufacturing and services having over 30% of workforce in 1850, while other sectors had below 25% of employment. Similarly, the services sector had the highest workforce percentage in 2020 which is nearly 2.5 times as many people was employed in it as in 1850. Construction and energy/water industries were the least popular industries for workforces in 1850, while in 2020 the lowest employed sectors were agriculture/fishing and energy/water with merely 1% of employers. In contrast, unlike 1850, the construction industry had 3% growth over 170 years and had the third place in the workforce employment in 2020 after manufacturing. In conclusion, it is shown that the number of people working in five major industries declined in 2020 compared to 1850, although there was a slight increase in construction and a peak in the services in 2020.
Words: 161Paragraphs: 3
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 01:41 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a structured overview of the bar chart, comparing the Canadian workforce distribution across five industries in 1850 and 2020. It logically organizes information and uses linking words to connect ideas, though some transitions could be smoother.

Recommendations:

  • Use more varied sentence structures to maintain reader interest and improve cohesion. Mix simple, compound, and complex sentences.
  • Improve the use of linking phrases to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs. For example, use phrases like 'In contrast', 'Similarly', and 'On the other hand' more strategically.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that all sentences contribute to this idea. Consider starting paragraphs with a topic sentence that summarizes the main point.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with some effective use of less common lexical items. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect word forms that affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more varied synonyms for 'industry' to enhance lexical resource, such as 'sector' or 'field.'
  • Use more precise vocabulary to describe data, such as 'percentage' instead of 'rate' when referring to employment figures.
  • Avoid repetition by varying word choices, such as using 'employment rate' or 'workforce proportion' instead of repeating 'workforce.'
  • Correct grammatical errors in word forms, such as 'was employed' to 'were employed' to ensure subject-verb agreement.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and passive constructions. However, there are several grammatical inaccuracies that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures more to include a wider range of complex and compound sentences.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'as many people was employed' should be 'as many people were employed.'
  • Use consistent tense forms, especially when describing data from different time periods.
  • Improve article usage, e.g., 'the dissemination of Canadian workforce' should be 'the distribution of the Canadian workforce.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay successfully identifies the main trends and changes in the Canadian workforce across five industries between 1850 and 2020. It highlights the dominance of the services sector in 2020 and the decline of agriculture/fishing, while noting the growth in construction. However, it lacks specific numerical details for some sectors and doesn't fully explore all relevant comparisons.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure all key features of the chart are summarized, such as the significant drop in manufacturing employment.
  • Include specific numerical data for all industries to provide a clearer picture of changes.
  • Make more detailed comparisons between the two years for each industry.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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