BAND 7.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS OF ANNUAL EARNINGS OF CALGARY BAKERIES 2000-2010

Explore a detailed analysis of the annual income trends of three Calgary bakeries from 2000 to 2010. This IELTS essay sample delivers a comprehensive review of the revenue fluctuations observed in Mari Bakeshop, Amandine Bakery, and Bolo Cakery. Learn from this Band 7.0 IELTS essay sample, perfect for students seeking practical examples.

Writing Task

The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary, 2000-2010.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The supplied line graph illustrates the information about the income earned by three bakeries which are located in Calgary in a 10-year period from 2000 to 2010 and is measured in dollars. Overall, It is immediately apparent that, except for Mari Bakeshop which had a downward trend, the annual revenue of Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery was increased over the period as a whole. With regard to Mari Bakeshop which had an erratic pattern, in 2000, this bakery's income stood at just over 80000$ which was the highest income of the year among others. After the fluctuations over the project's period this baker finished the project at 40000$ which was the lowest income in 2010. Turning to Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery which experienced less fluctuations, at the beginning of the project Amandine Bakery experienced around three times as high as Bolo Cakery's income. Then, both shops revenue increased slightly and they finished the project at nearly 60000$ for Bolo Cakery and just over 100000$ for Amandine Bakery. Amandine income in 2010 was the highest income throughout the project among all members.
Words: 182Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 06:11 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents information about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary from 2000 to 2010. It follows a logical structure, with an overview and separate paragraphs for each bakery. However, there are some issues with the use of linking words and sentence structure that affect coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Improve sentence structure by varying sentence lengths and types. This will help maintain reader interest and improve flow.
  • Avoid repetition of phrases such as 'finished the project' by using synonyms or rephrasing.
  • Use more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly. For example, use 'in contrast' or 'similarly' to highlight differences or similarities between bakeries.
  • Ensure each paragraph focuses on a clear main idea and supports it with relevant details. Avoid mixing information about different bakeries within the same paragraph.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common expressions. However, there are several inaccuracies and awkward phrases that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Use more precise vocabulary to describe trends, such as 'rose steadily' instead of 'increased slightly.'
  • Avoid repetition by varying expressions, such as using 'revenue' and 'earnings' interchangeably with 'income.'
  • Incorporate more complex vocabulary and expressions to describe data trends, like 'experienced a decline' or 'peaked at.'
  • Correct inaccuracies in word choice, such as '$' should be 'dollars,' and ensure correct usage of expressions like 'fluctuations over the project's period.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence types. However, there are some grammatical errors and inconsistencies that need addressing to enhance clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Maintain consistent verb tense usage, particularly when describing past events.
  • Ensure correct use of articles, such as 'the' before 'income' and 'project's period.'
  • Avoid using incorrect prepositions, such as 'in' a 10-year period; use 'over' instead.
  • Use plural forms correctly, such as 'fluctuations' instead of 'less fluctuations.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, such as 'both shops' revenue increased' should be 'both shops' revenues increased.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the trends in the annual earnings of the three bakeries, mentioning key features such as the general trends and specific data points. It successfully identifies the main trends: Mari Bakeshop's decline, Amandine Bakery's steady increase, and Bolo Cakery's growth. The essay also includes relevant comparisons between the bakeries' earnings over the period.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that all trends and data mentioned are accurate and clearly related to the data shown in the graph.
  • Include more specific data points to support the trends, such as exact figures for key years (e.g., 2005, 2007).
  • Enhance the comparison by discussing the relative positions of the bakeries at more points during the period, not just the start and end.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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