BAND 7.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING REASONS FOR MIGRATION TO CAPITAL CITY THROUGH A LINE CHART

Explore our IELTS Band 7.0 essay sample analyzing migration trends to a country's capital over 15 years. Discover insights into key migration drivers including employment, education, adventure, and family visits. A valuable resource for IELTS preparation.

Writing Task

The line chart below shows the results of a survey giving the reasons why people moved to the capital city of a particular country.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The line chart displays what reasons most caused the people of a particular country had migrated to its capital city over a period of 15 years, based on a survey. It is clear that employment was the most important goal of migration over the period shown. Also migration to the capital, overall, had an upward trend by any reason. In 2000, employment was the main reason for individuals to leave their hometown, migrating around 60000 people. Study purpose was in the second stage with about 25000 people, and advanture and family/friend were the next aims for migration with approximately same amount of 10000 people. The number of those who went to the capital for working rose dramatically to a peak of roughly 92000 people, between 2000 and 2010, then it fell slightly to about 87000 people in 2015. Students faced the most increase range in these years and they reached to working migrants in 2015. Adventurers' increase had a constant slope for whole the 15-year period and saw a small rise to approximately 15000 people, while those who went to see their family or friend were about 23000 in 2015.
Words: 190Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 09:55 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents information in a generally clear and logical manner, with an overall structure that includes an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, there are areas where coherence and cohesion could be improved to enhance the flow and clarity of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition of similar phrases, such as 'the most important goal,' by using synonyms or rephrasing to maintain reader interest.
  • Use more linking words or phrases to connect ideas, such as 'in addition,' 'furthermore,' or 'however,' to improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs.
  • Ensure consistent use of tenses and subjects within sentences to maintain clarity and coherence.
  • Group related information together more effectively, such as discussing all changes related to employment before moving on to other reasons for migration.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts at variety. However, there are inaccuracies and repetitive word choices that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetitive phrases by using synonyms or rephrasing sentences to maintain reader interest.
  • Use more varied vocabulary to describe trends, such as 'increase,' 'rise,' 'decline,' and 'fluctuate.'
  • Incorporate more specific adjectives and adverbs to enhance descriptions, e.g., 'dramatically increased' or 'slightly decreased.'
  • Correct inaccuracies like 'advanture' to 'adventure' and 'study purpose was in the second stage' to 'study was the second most common reason.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity and accuracy.

Recommendations:

  • Correct the incorrect past perfect tense in 'most caused the people... had migrated' to 'most caused the people... to migrate.'
  • Use appropriate articles, such as 'the' before 'study purpose' and 'adventure.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, as in 'study purpose was in the second stage' should be 'study purposes were in the second stage.'
  • Correct preposition usage, such as 'reached to working migrants' should be 'reached the number of working migrants.'
  • Simplify complex sentences to improve clarity, for example, 'while those who went to see their family or friend were about 23000 in 2015' could be 'those visiting family or friends reached about 23000 in 2015.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides an overview of the line chart, identifying employment as the primary reason for migration and noting overall trends. It describes the changes over time for each reason, with specific figures for different years. However, it lacks some clarity and comparison between categories.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify statements about trends, ensuring they are supported by data from the chart.
  • Include clearer comparisons between the reasons for migration throughout the period.
  • Ensure all key features are highlighted, such as the relative positions of 'family/friends' and 'adventure' reasons in different years.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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