BAND 7.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE DISTRIBUTION IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES: 1850 VS 2020

Explore our detailed analysis of the changes in Canada's workforce from 1850 to 2020 across major industries with our band 7.0 IELTS essay sample. Understand the growth in the services sector, shifts in manufacturing jobs, stability in construction and energy/water, and the decline in agriculture/fishing roles. Ideal for IELTS study and practice.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The bar chart illustrates the amount of people who worked in 5 different major industries in Canada between 1850 and 2020. It is clear that the percentage of workforces in services major in 2020 had the highest rate, and the amount of people who worked on energy/water and agriculture/ fishing was constantly 1% in 2020. Looking into more details, the percentage of Canadian workforces in manufacturing major was 36% in 1850 which dropping sharply to 9% in 2020. By contrast the percentage of services major employees was 33% in 1850 which increased dramatically to 81% in the last decade. In 1850 people who worked on agriculture/ fishing was 22% which we can that had fallen steeply to 1%. However, the percentage of construction workers stayed moderate from 5% to 8% between 1850 and 2020 which is the same statistic in energy/water. Overall, there was a downward trend in three different workforces majors with an exception in services and construction percentage of workers between 1850 and 2020.
Words: 166Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 10:55 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay provides a structured overview of the data, with a clear introduction and conclusion. Paragraphs are generally well-organized, focusing on specific trends and comparisons. However, there are some issues with logical flow and the use of linking words, which affects coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea. The paragraph discussing the construction and energy/water industries could be split or clarified for better focus.
  • Ensure logical progression by clearly linking ideas between sentences and paragraphs. For example, use more transitional phrases like 'in contrast,' 'similarly,' or 'as a result' to guide the reader through the comparisons.
  • Improve the use of referencing pronouns to avoid repetition and enhance cohesion. For example, replace repeated nouns with 'this,' 'these,' or 'such' where appropriate.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies and repetitive usage. Terms like "amount of people" should be "number of people," and "workforces" should be "workforce." Words like "major" and "percentage" are repeated frequently, indicating a limited lexical range. Phrases like "looking into more details" could be replaced with more formal expressions such as "upon closer examination."

Recommendations:

  • Expand vocabulary to avoid repetition, using synonyms where possible.
  • Use more precise and varied expressions for comparisons and trends.
  • Correct inaccuracies in word choice, such as using "number" instead of "amount" for people.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors and awkward constructions that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'the percentage of workforces... had' should be 'the percentage of the workforce... was.'
  • Use consistent tense forms, such as 'which dropping' should be 'which dropped.'
  • Improve article usage, e.g., 'the amount of people' should be 'the number of people.'
  • Clarify sentence structure, e.g., 'which we can that had fallen steeply' is awkward and should be revised.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides a general overview of the bar chart, highlighting key trends and comparing the workforce distribution across different industries in 1850 and 2020. It identifies the most significant changes, such as the increase in the services sector and the decrease in agriculture/fishing and manufacturing.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure all key figures from the chart are accurately reflected in the text, especially the comparison between the two years for each industry.
  • Include a more detailed introduction that clearly states the purpose of the bar chart and summarizes the main trends observed.
  • Clarify the explanation of trends, such as specifying that 'services' increased significantly, while 'manufacturing' and 'agriculture/fishing' decreased.
  • Avoid using terms like 'amount of people' when referring to percentages; use 'percentage of the workforce' for clarity.
  • Provide a more coherent summary that encapsulates the overall trends and changes across all industries rather than focusing on individual statistics.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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