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BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: PARTICIPANT TRENDS IN OLYMPIC GAMES HISTORY

Explore our IELTS Band 6.5 essay sample providing insightful statistics on the increase in male and female attendees at the Olympics over an 88-year period. Discover trends in participation from 1924, with detailed data comparison and analysis.

Writing Task

The chart and graph below give information about participants who have entered the Olympics since it began.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The chart and graph provide statistics on the number of athletes having enrolled in the Olympics over a 88-year span, from the year 1924. In general, during the survey, The number of male participants was consistently higher than that of female counterparts. Furthermore, an upward trend was depicted in both charts, despite the dissimilarity in patterns. Regarding the bar chart, in the first examined year, the figure for men accounted for 3000 attendances, in comparison with no one in the females data. In the next 60 years, after an upsurge to reach 4500, the number of male participants slackened. Thereafter, it maintained a gradual increase to reach double, compared to the first year. On the other hand, the female counterparts slightly rose to 1500 in 1984, then, suddenly witnessed a dramatic sky-rocketing to attain 4800 in 2012. In terms of the line graph, in the first 60 years, a consistent growth can be seen in the total number of athletes ( from 2800 to approximately 6200). From 1984 to 2012, it experienced an escalation to surpass 10000.
Words: 177Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/25/2023, 07:03 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay provides a structured overview of the data, with a clear introduction and separate sections for the bar chart and line graph. However, there are some issues with coherence and cohesion, particularly in the flow and connectivity between ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt transitions, such as 'On the other hand,' without a clear preceding contrast. Ensure transitions are logical and enhance the flow of information.
  • Use more linking words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly, such as 'in addition,' 'similarly,' or 'however,' to guide the reader through the comparisons and contrasts.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea, with supporting sentences that logically follow each other. For example, the comparison between male and female participants could be more explicitly linked.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with some variety in word choice, such as "enrolled," "upward trend," and "sky-rocketing." However, there are areas where word choice could be more precise or varied to enhance clarity and sophistication. Additionally, some phrases are slightly awkward or informal, such as "slackened" and "suddenly witnessed."

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate a wider range of synonyms for 'participants' to avoid repetition, such as 'competitors' or 'athletes.'
  • Use more precise vocabulary to describe trends, such as 'increased steadily' instead of 'slackened.'
  • Avoid informal or awkward phrases like 'suddenly witnessed' and replace them with more formal alternatives like 'experienced a sudden increase.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and passive voice. However, there are areas where grammatical accuracy could be improved, such as article usage, verb tense consistency, and sentence structure.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures more frequently to enhance grammatical range, such as using more relative clauses or conditional sentences.
  • Ensure consistent use of articles, such as 'an 88-year span' instead of 'a 88-year span.'
  • Check verb tense consistency, particularly in descriptions of past trends (e.g., 'having enrolled' should be 'enrolled').

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the data, mentioning the general trends and differences between male and female participants in the Olympics over time. It identifies the key trends, such as the consistent higher number of male participants and the growth in female participation. The essay also highlights the overall increase in total participants.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure all key features are covered, such as the specific years where significant changes occur, to enhance the completeness of the summary.
  • Include more specific data points and comparisons, such as the exact numbers for each year, to provide a clearer picture of the trends.
  • Avoid vague terms like 'sky-rocketing' and use precise language to describe changes in data.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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