BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DETAILED ANALYSIS OF SURVEY RESULTS ON MIGRATION TO CAPITAL CITY

Discover detailed insights from a unique study on immigration purposes over 15 years for the capital of a certain country. Learn how employment, education, adventure, and family influenced people's decisions to migrate. Uncover intriguing changes and trends in immigration patterns from 2000 to 2015.

Writing Task

The line chart below shows the results of a survey giving the reasons why people moved to the capital city of a particular country.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The following chart represents the findings of a study about immigration purposes of people to the capital of a special country. In an overview, the main reason for moving was employment with increasing demand during a period of 15 years. While people movements for adventurous aims remained steady during these years. From 2000 till 2010, the applicants for study and job followed the same pattern with a sharp increase in 2005 and the smaller one in 2010. However, game had changed in 2010 with a minor decrease in an employment sector and a steep increase in study. The other two etiologies, adventure and family/friends constructed the least interesting aims for the immigrants both lower than 10,000 people between the years 2000 till 2005. The people tended to move for family or friendship more from 2005 to 2010 with 10,000 rise but this got to plateau with 20,000 people again till 2015.
Words: 151Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 04:53 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents information on reasons for moving to a capital city, focusing on employment, study, family/friends, and adventure. It follows a chronological structure but lacks clear connections between ideas and paragraphs.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt shifts in focus; instead, smoothly integrate comparisons and contrasts.
  • Use clear topic sentences to introduce each paragraph's main idea.
  • Ensure each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, maintaining a clear progression of ideas.
  • Improve transitions between sentences and paragraphs for better flow, using linking words like 'however,' 'in addition,' or 'meanwhile.'

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts at more sophisticated language. However, there are several areas where word choice and usage could be improved for clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure correct use of collocations, such as 'employment sector' instead of 'an employment sector.'
  • Use more precise vocabulary. For example, replace 'game had changed' with 'trend shifted.'
  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms or rephrasing. For instance, instead of 'people movements for adventurous aims,' consider 'migration for adventure.'
  • Clarify expressions like 'the other two etiologies' by using simpler terms like 'reasons' or 'factors.'
  • Use more varied linking words to connect ideas smoothly, such as 'in contrast' or 'similarly.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and passive voice. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward constructions that affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures to enhance readability, such as combining short sentences into more complex ones.
  • Improve sentence structure by ensuring subject-verb agreement. For example, change 'game had changed' to 'the game changed.'
  • Use consistent tense throughout the essay. For instance, 'the applicants for study and job followed' should remain in the past tense consistently.
  • Clarify awkward phrases like 'constructed the least interesting aims' to something clearer, such as 'were the least common reasons.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides a general overview of the reasons for moving to the capital city, mentioning employment as the main reason and noting steady trends for adventure. It attempts to describe patterns and changes over the years for different reasons like study and family/friends. However, specific data points and clearer comparisons are lacking.

Recommendations:

  • Use more precise language to describe changes, such as 'plateaued,' 'peaked,' or 'fluctuated,' to enhance clarity.
  • Make clearer comparisons between the different reasons for moving, highlighting significant changes or trends.
  • Ensure that all key features of the chart are covered, including any notable trends or patterns across the entire time period.
  • Include specific data points from the chart to support your statements, such as exact numbers or percentages.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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