BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPREHENSIVE ANALYSIS OF OLYMPICS PARTICIPANTS EVOLUTION OVER TIME

Explore our band 6.5 IELTS essay sample analyzing the Olympic participation data over 88 years starting from 1924. Understand the gender dynamics, upward trends in participation, and the correlation between male and female participants. This insightful analysis provides a deeper understanding of how Olympics participation has evolved over time.

Writing Task

The chart and graph below give information about participants who have entered the Olympics since it began.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The graphs provide data about the number of Olympics participants over a period of 88 years from 1924. Looking from an overall perspective, it is readily apparent that this game was male-dominated. Moreover, the whole participant's figure is representing an upward trend. Furthermore, The both figures positively correlated to each others. According to the bar chart, almost all athletes were men with the number of 3000. In 1952, 400 females also took part in competition ,thus their statics was significantly lower than men with 4500. In the next 23 years, the increment for women was substantially higher, which went up by 1000 in comparison with men by 500 . At the final mentioned time, the male graph continued to increase steadily and reached at 5800. Meanwhile, women competitors had a sharp increase and jumped to 4800. In terms of the total participants, the sum of sport-individuals went up steadily from 2500 to 6200 between 1924 to 1984. Thereafter, This accounted the greater increase and rocketed at 10200 in 2012.
Words: 169Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 01:32 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay demonstrates a logical structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the data, such as male and female participants and overall trends. However, there are some issues with cohesion and linking words that affect the flow and connection between ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition of ideas by ensuring that each sentence adds new information or analysis. For example, rephrasing similar points to avoid redundancy.
  • Use more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly. For example, use 'in addition,' 'similarly,' or 'on the other hand' where appropriate.
  • Ensure that each paragraph transitions logically to the next. For instance, the transition between discussing male and female participants and total participants could be smoother with a linking sentence.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some effective usage of words related to the topic, such as "male-dominated," "upward trend," and "sharp increase." However, there are several instances of incorrect word usage and awkward phrasing, such as "the whole participant's figure," "statics," and "sport-individuals." The essay also contains some repetition and lacks variety in expression, particularly with terms like "increase" and "participants."

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more precise terms related to the context, such as 'athletes' instead of 'sport-individuals.'
  • Use more varied vocabulary to describe trends and comparisons, such as 'growth,' 'rise,' 'escalation,' 'decline,' and 'fluctuation.'
  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms and rephrasing sentences to enhance lexical resource.
  • Correct inappropriate word choices and phrases, such as 'the whole participant's figure' and 'statics,' to improve clarity.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and some variety in sentence forms. However, there are noticeable errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and prepositions, which can affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures by incorporating more complex sentences and conditional forms to enhance grammatical range.
  • Improve subject-verb agreement by ensuring verbs match their subjects in number and tense, e.g., 'representing an upward trend' should be 'represents an upward trend.'
  • Correct article usage by using 'the' or 'a/an' appropriately, e.g., 'the whole participant's figure' should be 'the figure for all participants.'
  • Use prepositions correctly, e.g., 'reached at 5800' should be 'reached 5800.'
  • Ensure pronoun agreement and clarity, e.g., 'The both figures positively correlated to each others' should be 'Both figures positively correlate with each other.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the trends in Olympic participation, highlighting the increase in both male and female athletes over time. It identifies the male dominance in early years and notes the significant rise in female participation. However, some details are inaccurate or unclear, such as specific numbers and comparisons between men and women. The essay attempts to summarize the data but lacks precision in reporting exact figures and making comparisons.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the overview paragraph effectively summarizes the main trends without unnecessary repetition.
  • Clarify comparisons between male and female participants, especially in terms of growth rates and specific time periods.
  • Improve clarity by avoiding vague terms like 'rocketed' and instead use precise data to describe trends.
  • Ensure accuracy in reporting data. For example, the number of male participants in 1924 was around 3000, not exactly 3000.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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