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BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARISON OF UK EMPLOYMENT INFORMATION FOR 1998 AND 2012

Dive into our detailed analysis of employment trends in the UK from 1988 to 2012 with our IELTS essay sample. Understand the shift in full-time and part-time jobs among men and women. Explore how female full-time employment experienced a significant rise over these years.

Writing Task

The charts give information about employment in the UK in 1998 and 2012.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The given pie charts compare the employment of men and women in part-time and full-time jobs in the UK in the years 1988 and 2012. The total number of employment rise from 23839 to 29600 between 1988 and 2012. The most drastic change in 2012 was the amount of employment of women in full-time jobs, which rose 7 % and reached 26 % in total. Employment of men in a full-time job fell by 6 % and decreased from 53 % in 1988 to 47 % in the year 2012. By contrast, the part-time job of men shows a different trend and increased by 1 % and reached 7 % in the year 2012. Employment of women had experienced completely opposite trend. The part-time job fell by 2 per cent from 22 % in 1988. However, full-time jobs soared from 19 % to 26 % and reached almost the quarter of all employment in 2012.
Words: 155Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 01:22 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear structure with logical progression of ideas, comparing employment data between 1988 and 2012. It includes an introduction, body, and conclusion, with each paragraph focusing on specific aspects of the data. However, the use of cohesive devices is limited, leading to abrupt transitions between ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to guide the reader through the information.
  • Use more cohesive devices like 'furthermore,' 'in addition,' or 'however' to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs.
  • Avoid repetition by varying sentence structures and using synonyms where appropriate.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some variation in word choice, but there are areas where lexical precision and variety can be improved. Terms like "employment rise" and "drastic change" are appropriate, yet the repetition of phrases such as "full-time jobs" and "part-time jobs" indicates limited lexical range. The use of percentages is clear, but more varied expressions could enhance the description of changes and trends.

Recommendations:

  • Introduce linking words or phrases to connect ideas smoothly, such as 'in contrast' or 'similarly,' to improve coherence.
  • Incorporate synonyms or varied expressions for 'employment,' such as 'workforce' or 'job market,' to avoid repetition.
  • Use more descriptive terms for changes, like 'significant increase' or 'notable decline,' to enhance lexical precision.
  • Avoid repeating percentage descriptions; instead, use expressions like 'nearly a quarter' or 'almost half' for variety.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there are areas where grammatical accuracy can be improved for clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures more to include a wider range of complex sentences.
  • Use consistent tense throughout the essay. For example, 'rise' should be 'rose' to match the past tense used in the rest of the essay.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, such as changing 'The part-time job of men shows' to 'The part-time jobs of men show'.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides an overview of employment trends in the UK for 1988 and 2012, focusing on gender and job type. It highlights key changes, such as the increase in full-time employment for women and the decrease for men, while also noting changes in part-time employment. However, the essay could benefit from clearer comparisons and a more structured presentation of data.

Recommendations:

  • Consider using more varied vocabulary to describe trends, such as 'increased,' 'decreased,' 'rose,' and 'fell,' to avoid repetition.
  • Ensure that all relevant data from the charts is included, such as specific numerical values for each category.
  • Make clearer comparisons between the two years, highlighting similarities and differences more explicitly.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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