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BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARISON OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE PERCENTAGES IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES (1850 VS 2020)

Explore our detailed analysis of a Band 6.5 IELTS essay, focusing on employment trends in Canada from 1850 to 2020 across five sectors. Delve into insightful data interpretation, charting the rise and fall of industries such as the service sector, manufacturing, agriculture, and more!

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Given is a bar chart illustrating how many people in Canada work in five different fields in 1850 and 2020. Looking from an overall perspective, it is obvious that they were more individuals in service sector among other jobs, and just this occupation and construction industry had an upward trend. To begin with services as the most popular job, 33% had chosen it in 1850, and then it increased dramatically to 81% in 2020. Manufacturing ranked second with 36% in 1850. However, it decreased significantly to 9% in 2020. Agriculture and fishing stood next with 22% in 1850, and it became nearly 0% in 2020. Construction was the one that made more jobs in 2020 compared to 1850 with 8% and 5% respectively. The Energy and Water industry stood last with a downward trend from 3% to 1%. The reason might be the fact that people in this occupation had received less income.
Words: 153Paragraphs: 3
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 06:56 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay provides a clear structure, with an introduction, an overview, and detailed descriptions of data. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother, and the logical progression could be improved for better coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure each paragraph flows logically to the next. Consider summarizing the main points at the end of each paragraph to reinforce connections.
  • Use more linking words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs. For example, use 'additionally,' 'similarly,' or 'in contrast' to show relationships between different data points.
  • Avoid abrupt shifts in topics. For instance, provide a brief transition when moving from discussing one industry to another.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some attempts at varied language. However, there are instances of repetition and some word choices that could be more precise.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more complex and varied vocabulary to describe trends, such as 'experienced a decline' or 'saw a rise.'
  • Avoid repetition of words like 'industry' and 'jobs' by using synonyms such as 'sector,' 'field,' or 'occupation.'
  • Use more precise language to describe changes, such as 'rose significantly' instead of 'increased dramatically.'
  • Clarify vague expressions like 'Looking from an overall perspective' with more specific phrases like 'Overall, the data indicates.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence types. However, there are instances of grammatical inaccuracies and awkward phrasing that affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence beginnings to avoid repetition and enhance readability.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, particularly in sentences like 'they were more individuals.' This should be 'there were more individuals.'
  • Use articles correctly. For example, 'services as the most popular job' should be 'services as the most popular job sector.'
  • Improve sentence structure for clarity. For example, 'Agriculture and fishing stood next with 22% in 1850, and it became nearly 0% in 2020' could be rephrased for clarity.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides an overview of the changes in the Canadian workforce across five industries from 1850 to 2020. It identifies key trends, such as the significant increase in the service sector and the decline in manufacturing, agriculture, and fishing. The essay effectively highlights the upward trend in construction and the slight decrease in the energy and water sector.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure all industries are equally covered to provide a balanced overview.
  • Include more specific data points for each industry to enhance clarity and comprehensiveness.
  • Avoid speculation about reasons for trends (e.g., income) unless supported by data from the chart.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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