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BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS OF ANNUAL EARNINGS OF CALGARY BAKERIES 2000-2010

Explore our IELTS essay sample highlighting a 10-year income trend of bakery staff in Calgary from 2000 to 2010. Discover how despite numerous fluctuations, most bakeries saw upward growth, with details on Mari Bakeshop, Amandine and Bolo Cakery's performances.

Writing Task

The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary, 2000-2010.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

The given chart illustrates how much income bakery staff earn per year in Calgary between 2000 and 2010, a period of 10 years. As an overall trend, despite some fluctuations all bakeries witnessed a upward growth except of Mari Bakeshop from 2004 to 2010. Turning to years, the most popular bakery was Mari Bakeshop started in 80000 income per year, the second most popular and the least popular bakery were Amandine and Bolo Cakery, respectively. During following years Mari and Bolo experienced an increase and then a decrease while Amandine maintaned in steady amont of salary from 2000 to 2006. In 2006, a significant change appeared, when the Amandine overtook of Mari which alocated the most amount of income to itself. In 2008, the scenario changed for Bolo as well, when the income figure overtook of Mari and this bakery convert to the least popular bakery. Looking to bakeries more closely, it can seen that during these years, Bolo experienced an upward trend while Mari witnessed a decreasing growth, however, Amandine which experienced a steady trend, after 2006, allocated the most income to itself.
Words: 184Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 09:52 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to describe the trends and changes in the annual earnings of three bakeries over a decade, but lacks clear organization and logical flow. There are issues with paragraphing, linking words, and clarity in presenting comparisons.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the sequence of events and trends to enhance the logical flow of information.
  • Use more cohesive devices (e.g., 'however', 'in addition', 'meanwhile') to link ideas and sentences logically.
  • Ensure that comparisons and contrasts are clearly articulated with appropriate linking words.
  • Improve paragraphing by clearly separating the introduction, overview, and detailed analysis sections.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary but lacks precision and variety in word choice. There are several instances of incorrect word usage and awkward phrasing that affect clarity. Some repetition and errors in collocation are present.

Recommendations:

  • Use more precise vocabulary to describe trends, such as 'fluctuated,' 'remained stable,' or 'peaked.'
  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms or alternative expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'income,' consider 'earnings' or 'revenue.'
  • Use appropriate collocations. For example, 'experienced an upward trend' is better than 'experienced a increasing growth.'
  • Incorporate more variety in sentence structures to enhance lexical resource.
  • Correct incorrect word usage and awkward phrasing. For example, 'allocated the most income to itself' can be rephrased to 'achieved the highest earnings.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure proper use of articles, e.g., 'a upward growth' should be 'an upward growth.'
  • Improve sentence structure by avoiding run-on sentences, such as 'Turning to years, the most popular bakery was Mari Bakeshop started in 80000 income per year.'
  • Use relative clauses correctly, e.g., 'Amandine which experienced a steady trend' should be 'Amandine, which experienced a steady trend,' to clarify meaning.
  • Ensure consistent tense usage throughout the essay.
  • Correct subject-verb agreement errors, such as 'all bakeries witnessed a upward growth' to 'an upward growth.'

Task Achievement5.0

The essay attempts to describe the trends of annual earnings for three bakeries in Calgary from 2000 to 2010. It identifies some key trends, such as the initial popularity of Mari Bakeshop and the eventual overtaking by Amandine and Bolo. However, there are inaccuracies in the interpretation of data and a lack of clarity in some comparisons.

Recommendations:

  • Summarize the main features more concisely in the introduction and conclusion for better clarity.
  • Clarify comparisons between the bakeries, especially when discussing changes in their rankings over the years.
  • Avoid vague terms like 'upward growth' and 'decreasing growth' and instead use precise language to describe trends (e.g., 'increase,' 'decline').
  • Ensure accurate representation of data trends, such as the steady income of Amandine Bakery until 2006, followed by a significant increase, and the decline of Mari Bakeshop after 2004.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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