BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING UK EMPLOYMENT DATA FROM 1998 AND 2012

Explore our comprehensive IELTS Band 6.5 essay sample analysing the UK's workforce data from 1988 and 2012. Understand the gender and employment type distribution trends in full-time and part-time roles. A valuable resource for IELTS aspirants seeking to enhance their writing skills.

Writing Task

The charts give information about employment in the UK in 1998 and 2012.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Given are two pie charts providing information about the UK 's workforce in two various years;1988 and 2012. Overall, it can be clearly seen from the graphs that men working full-time took a significant porportions of employment in both years, while men in part-time jobs witnessed the lowest figures.In addition, more people were employed in 2021. Male wise, In 1988, 53% of the employees were men in the full-time category, whereas in 2012 the figure dropped to 47%. Moreover, men as part-time workers were 6% and 7% in 1988 and 2012, respectively. Adfitionally, Female workers in 1988 were standing at 19% , in comparison to 2012 that their percentage increased to 26%. In addition, 20% of the workforce were female in part-time roles, however, in 1988 they had accounted at 22% .Furthermore, the total number of employees grew considerably, from 23839 people to 29690 individuals in 1988 and 2012 in the given order.
Words: 153Paragraphs: 3
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 02:21 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents the data in a logical order, starting with an overview and then breaking down the details by gender and employment type. However, there are some issues with cohesion and coherence that affect the overall clarity. Transitional phrases are present but could be used more effectively to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Some sections lack clear connections, and there are minor errors in the use of linking words.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition of phrases like 'in addition' and replace them with synonyms to maintain reader interest.
  • Clarify the connection between the increase in employment numbers and the changes in percentages to enhance coherence.
  • Use more varied linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, such as 'similarly', 'on the other hand', or 'in contrast'.
  • Ensure consistency in paragraph structure by starting with a clear topic sentence for each paragraph to guide the reader.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts at precision, but there are noticeable errors and areas where vocabulary could be more varied and accurate.

Recommendations:

  • Enhance lexical range by incorporating more descriptive adjectives and adverbs where appropriate.
  • Correct spelling errors such as 'porportions' to 'proportions' and 'Adfitionally' to 'Additionally'.
  • Use more varied vocabulary to describe increases and decreases, such as 'rose' or 'declined' instead of 'dropped'.
  • Improve accuracy by ensuring correct word forms and usage, such as 'male wise' to 'regarding males' or 'in terms of males'.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and various verb tenses. However, there are several grammatical errors and inconsistencies that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Correct the spelling of 'porportions' to 'proportions'.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, such as 'witnessed the lowest figures' should be 'witnessed the lowest figure'.
  • Use consistent punctuation, such as correcting 'Adfitionally' to 'Additionally' and ensuring proper spacing after punctuation marks.
  • Ensure proper use of articles, for example, 'the UK 's workforce' should be 'the UK workforce'.
  • Improve sentence structure to avoid fragments and ensure clarity, especially in sentences like 'Male wise, In 1988...' which lacks coherence.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides a general overview of employment trends in the UK for 1988 and 2012, highlighting the main features such as the dominance of full-time male workers and changes in employment numbers. It correctly identifies key data points and trends, such as the decrease in full-time male employment and the increase in female employment. However, there are some inaccuracies and omissions, such as the incorrect years mentioned and lack of specific numeric data from the charts.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify and correct the language for better accuracy, such as 'Adfitionally' to 'Additionally', and ensure all sentences are grammatically correct.
  • Include specific numeric data from the charts to support the statements, such as the exact percentages and numbers for each category.
  • Ensure all relevant data is summarized, including any notable trends or comparisons that are not mentioned.
  • Correct the years mentioned in the essay to match the prompt (1998, not 1988).
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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