BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING SURVEY RESULTS ON MOTIVATIONS FOR MOVING TO CAPITAL CITIES

Explore our analysis of an IELTS band 6.5 essay sample illuminating four major causes of mobility from 2000 to 2015. Discover how pursuing education and employment has peaked, while movement due to family, friends and adventure shows varied trends.

Writing Task

The line chart below shows the results of a survey giving the reasons why people moved to the capital city of a particular country.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The diagram indicates the information related to four mobility causes from 2000 to 2015. Overall, moving due to educational motives has soared within the timeliness, transferring because of occupation has reached peak then declined, and moving because of adventure has remained constant. Family and friends have caused moving to grow on a very slow scale. The figure shows that people move mostly due to pursuing their occupational and educational aspirations. Specifically, employment has raised up to 50 percent from 2000 t0 2015. The year 2010 marks the highest level of movement due to job seeking. Education on the other hand has been the prime cause of mobility from 2000 t0 almost 9000 people within 2000 to 2015. In terms of family and friendship relations, the movements have been marginally increasing but at a very low speed. Moving due to adventure has remained steady during the period. Overall, the figure represents four main reasons of mobility. Employment and education have been the main causes, family and friends have increased but very slowly, and adventure had had the least impact.
Words: 178Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 04:17 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay generally follows a logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are some issues with cohesion and clarity due to awkward phrasing and transitions.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistency in terminology. Use 'reasons for moving' consistently instead of alternating with 'mobility causes.'
  • Improve paragraph transitions to enhance flow. For example, use linking words like 'Moreover,' 'In addition,' or 'Conversely' to connect ideas smoothly.
  • Clarify relationships between ideas. For instance, instead of 'has soared within the timeliness,' specify 'has shown a significant increase over the years.'
  • Avoid redundancy. The conclusion repeats information from the introduction; instead, summarize key points or insights.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the task, using terms like 'mobility causes,' 'educational motives,' and 'occupational and educational aspirations.' However, there are some inaccuracies and repetitions that affect clarity, such as 'timeliness' instead of 'timeline' and 'had had' instead of 'has had.'

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition by varying language; for example, use synonyms like 'job opportunities' for 'employment.'
  • Incorporate more advanced vocabulary to describe data, such as 'dominant factor' or 'negligible growth.'
  • Use precise terms to describe data trends, such as 'increase,' 'decrease,' or 'fluctuate,' instead of vague terms like 'reached peak.'
  • Correct inaccuracies in word choice, such as replacing 'timeliness' with 'timeline' and 'had had' with 'has had.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences. However, there are some grammatical errors and inconsistencies that affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Use more varied sentence structures to enhance complexity, such as using relative clauses or passive voice.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'has soared within the timeliness' should be 'has soared over the timeline.'
  • Correct verb tense usage, e.g., 'has raised up to 50 percent' should be 'rose to 50 percent.'
  • Correct preposition usage, e.g., 'from 2000 t0 2015' should be 'from 2000 to 2015.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides a general overview of the line chart, mentioning the main reasons for moving and their trends over time. It identifies employment and education as the primary causes and notes the slower growth in movement due to family/friends and the steady nature of adventure-related moves. However, it lacks specific numerical data and detailed comparisons, which are essential for fully achieving the task.

Recommendations:

  • Make clearer comparisons between the different reasons for moving, highlighting how they relate to each other over the time period.
  • Ensure all trends are accurately described, such as the decrease in employment-related moves after 2010, which is not clearly mentioned.
  • Include specific numerical data from the chart to support your descriptions, such as exact figures for each category at different points in time.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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