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BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING AND COMPARING UK EMPLOYMENT DATA FROM 1998 AND 2012

Explore our comprehensive IELTS Band 6.5 essay sample analyzing employment status trends in the United Kingdom from 1988 to 2012. Discover insights into gender and contract type distribution amongst the workforce over the years. Ideal for IELTS aspirants seeking model essays.

Writing Task

The charts give information about employment in the UK in 1998 and 2012.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The two pie charts provide a visual representation about employment status in United Kingdom in years 1988 and 2012 based on two categories, gender and type of their contract (full=time, part-time). The majority of the both charts are occupied by men who are working full-time. In 1988 53% of employees were men who were working full-time, and as the data shows, it's counterpart in 2012 was 47%. On the other hand, the next biggest portion in 1988 belongs to women who worked part-time, however in 2012 it's different and women with full-time jobs are in the second place. The third biggest segment in 1988 which is shown in orange, demonstrates the rate of women who were fully occupied with 19% of all and the least rate belongs to men who were part-time workers with only 6% of the total employees. In 2012 there is one different point and as it can be observed, the part-time occupied women took part in third place but as same as in 1988, the part-time men jobs were the least occupied by only 7%.
Words: 179Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 07:58 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay provides a structured comparison of employment data in the UK for 1988 and 2012, focusing on gender and contract type. The writer uses a logical order to present information, starting with the most significant categories and moving to smaller ones. However, there are some issues with paragraph transitions and linking words.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent use of terminology, such as 'full-time' and 'part-time,' to avoid confusion.
  • Use more linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. For example, use terms like 'in contrast,' 'similarly,' or 'furthermore' to connect ideas better.
  • Improve paragraph structure by clearly separating different points or comparisons to enhance readability.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to employment and data description. It uses terms like 'full-time', 'part-time', 'occupied', and 'counterpart' accurately in context. However, there are some instances of awkward phrasing and repetition, such as 'the majority of the both charts' and 'it's counterpart'. Additionally, there is a lack of variety in the language used to describe comparisons and changes over time, which limits the lexical resource.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more complex word forms and collocations related to employment, such as 'employment trends' or 'workforce composition', to demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource.
  • Use a wider range of synonyms and expressions to avoid repetition, such as 'dominant segment' instead of 'majority' or 'occupied'. This will enhance lexical variety.
  • Improve accuracy by correcting grammatical errors, such as 'it's counterpart' to 'its counterpart'. This will help in maintaining clarity.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and appropriate use of tenses. However, there are some inaccuracies and areas where grammatical range could be improved.

Recommendations:

  • Consider varying sentence structures to enhance readability, such as using more relative clauses or passive voice where appropriate.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement in sentences, e.g., 'it's counterpart' should be 'its counterpart.'
  • Use articles correctly, e.g., 'the both charts' should be 'both charts.'
  • Correct punctuation issues, such as misplaced commas and missing periods, to improve clarity.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides an overview of employment status in the UK for 1988 and 2012, focusing on gender and contract type. It identifies key trends, such as the dominance of full-time male employment and changes in female employment patterns. However, it lacks a comprehensive summary of all main features and some comparisons are not clearly articulated.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid minor grammatical errors and improve sentence structure for clarity.
  • Ensure all categories from the charts are addressed, including numerical data for each group.
  • Make more explicit comparisons between the two years, highlighting significant changes.
  • Include a clear introduction and overview summarizing the main trends and differences between 1988 and 2012.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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