BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF SURVEY EXPLAINING REASONS FOR MIGRATION TO CAPITAL CITY

Explore an analyst's perspective on the reasons for moving to a capital city from 2000-2015. With a focus on employment, family, and study motives, this 6.5 score IELTS essay sample delves into immigration trends and behavioural patterns. Learn about population shifts and the impact of urbanization on individuals' lifestyle choices.

Writing Task

The line chart below shows the results of a survey giving the reasons why people moved to the capital city of a particular country.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The line graph depicts the reasons why people tend to be move to the capital city of a specific country in particular period from 2000 to 2015. It is clear that the main reason of their immigration is employment and the least one is adventure. Regarding the features, about 60000 of people moved to capital city for finding a new carrier in 2000 and this number was growing up to about 90000 in 2010. However, this reason of immigration decreased to 80500 in 2015. The second cause of moving was studying which had upward trending in 15 years period. Moreover, results show that people moved to capital city for their family. About 10000 of people immigrated to capital city for being with family in 2000,whilst it became doubled in 2015. The least significant reason of moving is for adventure. Its trend had slightly changes in this pried and it was about 10000 in 2000 which was rising to about 10500 in 2015.
Words: 162Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 03:31 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents information in a generally coherent manner, with some logical sequencing of ideas. However, there are issues with paragraphing and linking words that affect the overall flow.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that the information presented within each paragraph supports that idea.
  • Consider using more complex sentence structures to show relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect or contrast.
  • Improve paragraphing by separating different reasons for moving into distinct paragraphs to enhance clarity.
  • Use a variety of linking words and phrases to better connect ideas and sentences, such as 'in addition,' 'furthermore,' and 'on the other hand.'

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies and repetitions. Key terms like 'immigration' are used incorrectly, as 'migration' would be more appropriate. Words like 'carrier' should be corrected to 'career.' The use of 'pried' instead of 'period' is a typographical error that affects clarity. Additionally, phrases like 'growing up to' could be more precisely expressed as 'increased to.'

Recommendations:

  • Vary expressions to avoid repetition, such as using 'increased to' instead of 'growing up to.'
  • Incorporate a wider range of synonyms and precise language to enhance lexical resource.
  • Use 'migration' instead of 'immigration' when discussing internal movement within a country.
  • Correct 'carrier' to 'career' to accurately convey the reason for moving.
  • Replace 'pried' with 'period' to improve clarity.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with some errors in verb forms, pluralization, and article usage.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'people tend to be move' should be 'people tend to move.'
  • Correct verb tense consistency, e.g., 'was growing up to' should be 'grew to.'
  • Use correct plural forms, e.g., 'carrier' should be 'career.'
  • Use articles appropriately, e.g., 'the capital city' instead of 'capital city.'
  • Avoid incorrect prepositions, e.g., 'in particular period' should be 'over a particular period.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the reasons for moving to the capital city, focusing on employment, study, family, and adventure. It identifies employment as the primary reason and adventure as the least significant. The essay includes some numerical data to support the points.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the time period mentioned; ensure alignment with the graph's data.
  • Use more precise language to describe trends, such as 'increased steadily' or 'remained stable.'
  • Ensure all key trends and comparisons are covered, such as the consistent rise in study and family reasons.
  • Provide more detailed comparisons between the reasons, highlighting significant changes over time.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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