BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF E-COMMERCE PURCHASES IN CANADIAN INDUSTRIES (2015-2019)

Dive into our band 6.5 IELTS essay sample, examining the growth of e-commerce in Canada from 2015 to 2019. Discover insightful analysis on sectors like construction, wholesale, manufacturing, retail, and communication, highlighting their progress in the digital marketplace.

Writing Task

The chart below shows the proportion of businesses making e-commerce purchases by industry in Canada between 2015 and 2019.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The graph describes the figure for businesses making e-commerce purchases in Canada between 2015 and 2019. It can be seen that, over the period the proportion of businesses making e-commerce witnessed an upward With regard to the graph, construction, and wholesale rose enormously. Construction and Wholesale stood at over 20% and 40% in 2015 and rose to over 50% and 60% in 2019 respectively. Meanwhile, manufacturing witnessed a fluctuation. The proportion of manufacturing increased to 51% in 2016, then fell noticeably in the next two years and went up to nearly 60% in 2019. Similarly, retail and information and communication witnessed an increase trend. The proportion of retail plateaued at over 30% in 2015 and fluctuated around 50% over the next four years. The proportion of information and communication was the highest figures, at 60% in 2015 and peaked at 75% in 2018 then dropped to nearly 68% in 2019.
Words: 150Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 02:05 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay provides an overview of the trends in e-commerce purchases across various industries in Canada from 2015 to 2019. It attempts to describe the data and make relevant comparisons. However, the coherence and cohesion of the essay are affected by abrupt transitions and a lack of clear paragraph structure.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt transitions by providing brief introductory or concluding sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader.
  • Ensure logical flow by using linking words and phrases effectively. Words like 'however,' 'meanwhile,' and 'in contrast' can help guide the reader through the comparisons and changes.
  • Clarify sentences that are vague or incomplete, such as 'the proportion of businesses making e-commerce witnessed an upward.' Ensure each sentence has a clear subject and verb.
  • Use clear paragraphing to separate different ideas or trends. For example, one paragraph could focus on industries with consistent growth, while another could discuss those with fluctuations.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay uses a range of vocabulary to describe trends and figures, but lacks precision and variety in some areas. Phrases like "witnessed an upward" and "increase trend" are awkward and need refinement. The essay attempts to use complex vocabulary, such as "plateaued" and "fluctuation," but could benefit from more varied and precise language to describe changes and comparisons.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary to describe changes, such as 'surged,' 'declined,' or 'remained stable.'
  • Use more precise language to describe trends, such as 'experienced an increase' instead of 'witnessed an upward.'
  • Ensure grammatical accuracy in phrases, such as 'increase trend' should be 'increasing trend.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including some complex sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures to enhance readability. For example, instead of 'Construction and Wholesale stood at over 20% and 40% in 2015 and rose to over 50% and 60% in 2019 respectively,' consider breaking it into two sentences or using a different structure.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, such as in 'the proportion of businesses making e-commerce witnessed an upward.' Consider rephrasing to 'the proportion of businesses making e-commerce purchases witnessed an upward trend.'
  • Use appropriate conjunctions or transitional phrases to connect ideas smoothly. For example, 'Meanwhile, manufacturing witnessed a fluctuation' could be improved with 'In contrast, manufacturing experienced fluctuations.'
  • Use consistent tense throughout the essay. For example, 'rose to over 50% and 60% in 2019 respectively' should maintain consistency with past tense usage throughout the essay.
  • Avoid sentence fragments. The phrase 'over the period the proportion of businesses making e-commerce witnessed an upward' is incomplete. Ensure each sentence has a clear subject and predicate.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides an overview of the trends in e-commerce purchases across different industries in Canada from 2015 to 2019. It identifies the general upward trend and highlights specific industries, mentioning the significant increases in construction and wholesale, as well as fluctuations in manufacturing. Additionally, it notes the trends in retail and information and communication sectors. However, some details and comparisons are lacking, and there are minor inaccuracies in data representation.

Recommendations:

  • Conclude with a summary statement that encapsulates the overall trend observed in the data.
  • Include an introductory sentence that clearly states the main trend observed across all industries.
  • Provide more detailed comparisons between industries, highlighting which sectors had the most significant changes.
  • Ensure all data points are accurately represented, such as the exact figures for the peak years.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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