BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF E-COMMERCE PURCHASES BY INDUSTRY IN CANADA (2015-2019)

Explore a detailed analysis of a band 6.5 score IELTS essay on e-commerce purchases by Canadian businesses from 2015-2019. The essay delves into trends within manufacturing, construction, retail, and the information & communications industry, providing insights on their changing proportions over the given period.

Writing Task

The chart below shows the proportion of businesses making e-commerce purchases by industry in Canada between 2015 and 2019.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The given bar graph illustrates the proportion of businesses making e-commerce purchases by companies in Canada in 4 years, from 2015 to 2019. The chart gives the relationship between the year, quantity of e-commerce bought, and the four distinct industries. Manufacturing, construction, wholesale, retail, and information & communications are the four recorded companies in the graph. All the companies had its lowest proportions in 2015. Information & communications has the highest proportion than any other industry in all the years, however the quantity of e-commerce bought declined from 2018 to 2019. Construction and wholesale companies' proportion of e-commerce purchased increased is more than previous year in given time period. Manufacturing has its highest proportion in 2019, and its least in 2015. Retail, wholesale, and construction have their highest proportions in the years 2018, 2019, and 2019 respectively. Information & communications had the same proportion in the years 2017, 2016, and 2019. Slight changes are observed in retail from 2016 to 2019, whereas in wholesale its from 2016 to 2017.
Words: 169Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 12:11 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay generally follows a logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, some sentences lack clear connections, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, the transition between discussing the lowest proportions in 2015 and the highest in subsequent years is abrupt. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices like 'however,' 'whereas,' and 'respectively' is present but can be improved for clarity and flow.

Recommendations:

  • Consider varying sentence structures to enhance readability and coherence.
  • Use more cohesive devices to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, such as 'in contrast,' 'similarly,' or 'as a result.'
  • Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, with clear transitions between different points.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the task, but there are several areas for improvement to enhance clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition by finding synonyms or rephrasing sentences, such as using 'percentage' instead of 'proportion' repeatedly.
  • Use more varied vocabulary to describe trends, such as 'increase,' 'decrease,' 'fluctuate,' and 'remain stable.'
  • Ensure accurate word choice, for example, 'companies' should be 'industries' or 'sectors' to match the context.
  • Use more precise language when describing data, such as 'the highest percentage' instead of 'highest proportion.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences. However, there are some errors in subject-verb agreement and word choice that affect clarity and accuracy.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures to include more complex forms, such as using relative clauses or passive voice where appropriate.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'All the companies had its lowest proportions' should be 'All the companies had their lowest proportions.'
  • Use consistent tense forms, e.g., 'increased is more than previous year' should be 'increased more than the previous year.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides a basic overview of the data, mentioning key trends and comparisons among industries over the years. It identifies the highest and lowest proportions and notes specific years where changes occurred.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the relationship between the years and the industries more explicitly, ensuring each trend is clearly linked to specific data.
  • Ensure all industries mentioned in the chart are covered consistently. The essay mentions four industries, but the chart includes five. Include analysis for each industry.
  • Provide more specific data points or percentages to support the descriptions of trends and comparisons. This will enhance clarity and precision.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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