BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF E-COMMERCE PURCHASE TRENDS IN CANADIAN INDUSTRIES (2015-2019)

Discover insights on Canada's e-commerce trends from 2015 to 2019 with our IELTS essay sample. This band 6.5 score essay offers a detailed analysis of the e-commerce consumption within different industries, highlighting the notable shifts in the Construction and Information & Communications sectors.

Writing Task

The chart below shows the proportion of businesses making e-commerce purchases by industry in Canada between 2015 and 2019.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The chart above showcases the proportion of businesses in Canada making e-commerce purchases by different industries from 2015 to 2019 As can be seen, each industry had its fluctuation, the sector with the slightest fluctuation is Information and Communications, and the industry with the highest rate of change is Construction. As for the other sectors, they had some slight changes Firstly, Construction went from the lowest e-commerce consumption in 2015 to one of the highest consumers in 2019. They slowly rose from lower than 25% in 2015 to 30% in 2016, a light bump in 2017 with about a 5% increase and then having a huge step in 2018 with a whopping 15% increase (from 35% to 50%) then reaching its maximum in 2019 with 55% Secondly, Information & Communications holds the highest position in e-commerce investment. Standing at its lowest at 60% in 2016 rising to almost 70% in 2016. Reaching their peak at approximately 75% in 2018. After that, the industry slowed down and decreased to 70% in the year 2019
Words: 173Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/14/2023, 11:40 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay provides a basic structure with an introduction and body paragraphs, but lacks clear linking devices and consistent logical flow. The information is presented in a segmented manner, making it somewhat difficult to follow the progression of ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Consider using summary sentences at the end of paragraphs to reinforce the main points discussed.
  • Vary sentence structures to improve the flow and readability of the essay.
  • Use more cohesive devices such as 'however,' 'in addition,' or 'similarly' to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to guide the reader through the main points.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, using terms like 'fluctuation,' 'consumption,' and 'investment.' However, there is a tendency to repeat certain words and phrases, such as 'increase' and 'highest.' This repetition could be minimized by incorporating more varied synonyms and expressions to enhance lexical resource.

Recommendations:

  • Use more precise language to describe changes, such as 'gradual rise' instead of 'slowly rose.'
  • Incorporate more varied synonyms for words like 'increase' (e.g., 'rise,' 'growth,' 'escalation') to avoid repetition.
  • Expand the range of vocabulary by using industry-specific terms or more descriptive adjectives.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a decent range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence types. However, there are some areas where grammatical accuracy could be improved to enhance clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Use more varied sentence structures to maintain reader interest. For instance, instead of several short sentences, try combining them for variety.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, such as in 'each industry had its fluctuation' which should be 'each industry had its fluctuations'.
  • Improve the use of conjunctions to connect ideas smoothly. For example, 'As can be seen, each industry had its fluctuation, the sector with the slightest fluctuation is Information and Communications' could be rephrased to 'As can be seen, each industry experienced fluctuations; however, the sector with the least fluctuation was Information and Communications.'
  • Pay attention to punctuation, particularly with commas and periods, to avoid run-on sentences and ensure clarity.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides an overview of the changes in e-commerce purchases among various industries in Canada from 2015 to 2019, focusing on the Construction and Information & Communications sectors. It highlights the significant increase in e-commerce activity in the Construction industry and the consistent high level of investment in Information & Communications. However, the essay lacks a comprehensive summary of all industries and misses some key comparisons.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure all data points are accurately described, such as the specific percentages for each year across all sectors.
  • Include an overview that summarizes the main trends for all industries, not just Construction and Information & Communications.
  • Make relevant comparisons between all industries to provide a more balanced analysis.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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