BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF ANNUAL EARNINGS OF CALGARY BAKERIES FROM 2000-2010

Explore our comprehensive breakdown of a band 6.5 IELTS essay sample analyzing the annual revenues of three Calgary bakeries from 2000 to 2010. Understand the growth trends of Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery, and the decline of Mari Bakeshop's sales over the decade. Perfect your IELTS essay technique with our detailed example.

Writing Task

The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary, 2000-2010.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The given graph illustrates the yearly incomes of three bakeries in Calgray from 2000 to 2010, and these bakeries are Amandine Bakery, Mari Bakeshop, and Bolo Cakery, represented by green, blue, and yellow line respectively. From the picture, we can summarize the trends of these bakeries: generally, the yearly incomes have been expanding for Amadine Bakery and Bolo Cakery, while Mari Bakeshop's sales have been shrinking. For Amandine Bakery, its income was stable from 2000 untill 2005 at a level slightly below 60000 dollars, then its sale started to increase, and its sharpest expansion happened during 2007 and 2008; after which, its income expansion decelerated and its level approach a level merely above 100000 dollars. As to the income of Bolo Cakery, its sale increased from 20000 dollars in 2000 to above 60000 dollars in 2010. An exception to its increasing trend occured at 2002, with a slight setback no more than 10000 dollars. In contrary, the income of Mari Bakeshop has largely been decreasing, from 80000 dollars in 2000, to 40000 dollars in 2010. There have been occasions of expanding sales in 2001, 2004 and 2007, while these exceptions did not change its general trend. Until 2010, its income shrink to a level about half of that of 2000.
Words: 210Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/14/2023, 02:41 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay generally follows a logical structure, with clear descriptions of the trends for each bakery. However, there are areas where coherence and cohesion can be improved. The introduction is concise, but transitions between ideas and sentences could be smoother. Some sentences are lengthy and might benefit from being broken down for clarity. The use of linking words is present but could be more varied to enhance flow.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent use of tense and terms throughout the essay to maintain coherence, such as 'sales' instead of 'sale' for consistency.
  • Use more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas and sentences smoothly. For example, use 'however,' 'in addition,' or 'meanwhile' to show contrast and continuation.
  • Break down complex sentences into shorter ones to improve readability and clarity. This helps maintain the reader's attention and ensures each point is clearly communicated.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the task, including terms like 'illustrates,' 'expanding,' 'shrinking,' and 'setback.' However, there are several instances of incorrect word choice and spelling errors, such as 'Calgray' instead of 'Calgary' and 'untill' instead of 'until.' The use of some less common lexical items could enhance the essay further.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate some less common lexical items to improve the range of vocabulary.
  • Correct spelling errors such as 'Calgray' to 'Calgary' and 'untill' to 'until.'
  • Use more varied vocabulary to describe trends, such as 'fluctuated' or 'plateaued.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence types. However, there are some grammatical errors and inconsistencies that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures further to enhance readability and engagement.
  • Correct spelling errors such as 'Calgray' to 'Calgary' and 'untill' to 'until'.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'its sale started' should be 'its sales started'.
  • Use consistent tense usage, e.g., 'occurred' instead of 'occured'.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the trends in annual earnings for the three bakeries over the given period. It accurately identifies the main trends for each bakery, such as the increase in income for Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery and the decrease for Mari Bakeshop. The essay also includes specific data points to support these trends, which helps in fulfilling the task requirement. However, there are some areas where the essay could be improved, such as providing more comparisons between the bakeries and ensuring all relevant details are included.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure all relevant details from the graph are included, such as specific years where significant changes occur.
  • Clarify the description of trends with precise language to avoid any ambiguity.
  • Include more direct comparisons between the bakeries to highlight differences and similarities in trends.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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