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BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF UK EMPLOYMENT DATA FROM 1998 AND 2012

Explore detailed IELTS essay samples assessing the employment trends of men and women in the UK between 1988 and 2012. Discover a Band 6.0 score IELTS essay that provides insight into full-time and part-time employment dynamics. An invaluable resource for prospective IELTS candidates.

Writing Task

The charts give information about employment in the UK in 1998 and 2012.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The given pie charts are about employment of men and women in the UK in 1998 and 2012. The majority of employment was related to men in both years. The total number of employment are higher in 2012. In 1988, the percentage of men which had full time work was 53% which devoted the majority percent. The next higher percent related to women had part-time work with 22%, then women with full-time work with 19%. The least proportion was 6% which was related to men with part-time work. In 2012, similar to 1988, the men with full time work devoted the higher proportion. The second group was women which had full time work with 26%, which this percentage was higher than to 1988. The next group was women with part time work with a fifth, which approximately the same amount in the 1988. And similar to 1988,the percentage of men with part time work was least among other groups with 7%. Finally, The proportion of men with full time work was higher among other groups and the men with part time work was the least percentage.
Words: 186Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/25/2023, 07:44 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay provides a clear structure with a logical progression of ideas. It begins with an introduction, followed by a detailed comparison of employment data between 1988 and 2012. However, there are some issues with the use of linking words and sentence structures, which slightly hinder the flow and clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetitive phrases by varying sentence structures and vocabulary choices.
  • Use more linking words and phrases (e.g., 'however', 'moreover', 'in contrast') to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
  • Ensure consistent use of conjunctions and relative pronouns to improve sentence cohesion (e.g., 'which' should be 'who' when referring to people).

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are several instances where word choice is either incorrect or lacks precision. Phrases such as "devoted the majority percent" and "the next higher percent related to" are awkward and unclear. The repetition of basic words like "percent" and "higher" suggests a limited range of vocabulary. Additionally, there are some grammatical inaccuracies affecting lexical resource, such as "which this percentage was higher than to 1988."

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more complex sentence structures to enhance lexical resource and demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary.
  • Use more precise and varied vocabulary to describe data and trends, such as 'accounted for,' 'comprised,' or 'constituted.'
  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms or rephrasing sentences. For example, instead of repeating 'higher percent,' use 'greater proportion' or 'larger share.'
  • Ensure word choice is appropriate and contextually accurate, such as using 'percentage' instead of 'percent' when referring to a portion of a whole.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there are errors in subject-verb agreement, relative clauses, and sentence fragments that impact the clarity and coherence of the text.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures to enhance readability and engagement.
  • Use correct relative pronouns, e.g., 'the percentage of men **who** had full-time work.'
  • Avoid sentence fragments, e.g., 'The least proportion was 6%, which was related to men with part-time work.'
  • Use consistent verb tenses, e.g., 'The second group **was** women **who** had full-time work.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'The total number of employment **is** higher in 2012.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides a basic overview of the employment data from 1998 and 2012, highlighting the dominance of full-time male employment and changes over the years. However, it lacks depth in summarizing key features and making relevant comparisons.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that all key information from the charts is summarized, not just the most prominent figures.
  • Make clearer comparisons between the years, highlighting trends or changes in employment patterns.
  • Discuss significant features, like the increase in women's full-time employment, and provide more detail on these changes.
  • Include specific numerical data from the charts to support statements, such as the total number of employees in each category.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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