BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS AND COMPARISON OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES (1850 VS 2020)

Explore our comprehensive analysis of IELTS Band 6.0 Essay samples on major industries from the 19th to 21st century. Discover Canada's workforce trends, impact of technology on labor requirements and the growth of service related industries. Understand the changing importance of various sectors like energy, agriculture, and manufacturing through detailed charts and data.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

From 19th century to 21st century, five major industries have been engaged the workforce. According to the chart data, the workforce who are involved in energy-related industries accounts for the least portion of total labor. On the other hand, one of the industries attracting quite a few working force was pertinent to the service related industries. Such an industry encounters remarkable growth in the 21st century meaning the significance of this area of industry and how key role they play in today's economy of Canada. One of the other appealing data collected during this period of time indicates the tendency to work in the agriculture and fishing industries confront a plunge, showing the need for human force diminished. One possible justification for such an observation can be subject to the advancement of technologies which declines the requirement to the workforce. This trend can be observed in the manufacturing areas which demonstrates the need for working force reduced from 36 percent to 9 percent. Such a trend shows the importance of labors has played down with the passage of time. It should be noted that the construction area have not gone through considerable changes from 19th century to 21st century.
Words: 199Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 01:56 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents information about changes in the Canadian workforce across industries from 1850 to 2020. It highlights significant shifts, such as the decline in agriculture and manufacturing and the rise in services. However, the coherence and flow of ideas could be improved.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect, using appropriate connectors.
  • Ensure logical progression of ideas by organizing the essay into clear paragraphs for each industry or significant trend.
  • Use more cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
  • Avoid repetition by varying sentence structures and using synonyms where possible.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use less common words and phrases. However, there are several instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect word usage that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Use collocations accurately, such as 'play a key role' instead of 'play key role.'
  • Use a wider range of precise and varied vocabulary to describe data trends, such as 'dramatic increase' or 'significant decline.'
  • Incorporate more industry-specific terms where appropriate to enhance lexical resource.
  • Avoid awkward phrasing and ensure correct word usage, e.g., 'engaged the workforce' should be 'engaged in the workforce.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including compound and complex sentences. However, there are several errors in subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and article usage that affect clarity and accuracy.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures more to enhance the grammatical range.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'five major industries have been engaged' should be 'have engaged.'
  • Maintain tense consistency, e.g., 'the workforce who are involved' should be 'was involved.'
  • Use articles correctly, e.g., 'a key role they play' should be 'the key role they play.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay provides a general overview of the changes in the Canadian workforce across five major industries from 1850 to 2020. It mentions the significant increase in the services sector and the decline in agriculture and manufacturing. However, it lacks specific data points and clear comparisons between the two years for each industry.

Recommendations:

  • Use more precise language to describe trends and changes, avoiding vague terms like 'quite a few' or 'remarkable growth' without data backing.
  • Make clearer comparisons between the two years for each industry, highlighting the changes more explicitly.
  • Ensure all industries are covered equally in terms of detail and analysis.
  • Include specific data points from the chart to support the descriptions, such as the exact percentages for each industry in both years.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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