BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANNUAL EARNINGS COMPARISON OF CALGARY BAKERIES FROM 2000-2010

Explore our detailed analysis of a Band 5.5 IELTS essay sample. Dive deep into the yearly income trends of three Calgary bakeries (Amandine, Mary Bakeshop, and Bolo) from 2000 to 2010. Understand the financial dynamics and compare their revenue growth through our insightful breakdown.

Writing Task

The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary, 2000-2010.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

The given line graphs provide information about yearly income of three bakeries (Amandine, Mary Bakeshop and Bolo) over a decade from 2000 to 2010 in Calgary. The earring data are represented in dollars. Looking from an overall perspective, it can be concluded that the Bolo and Amandine witnessed an upward trend, whereas Mari sales followed an opposite trend over given period. It is also noticeable that, at the end of period, Amandine bakery made the highest money comparing with the two remaining ones. Regarding Bolo bakery, which accounted for the the smallest portion at the beginning of the period with 20000 dollars.During the next three years, This figure went up despite some fluctuations and reached 4000 dollars. In other words, in 2003, the capital was twice as much as the corresponding figure of 20000. From 2003 to 2006, the line graph illustrated relatively stable before rising again and hit the point at 60000 box. In terms of Mari shop, its graph begun at 8000 which was greater than the same figure for Amandine bakery by 2000. Moreover, the whole amount of yearly cash declined remarkably and plummeted at 40000 dollars except from 2001 and 2007 by approximately 15000 and 5000, respectively. Considering Amandine income, there was an insignificant change over the five years before taking over Mari Bakeshop around 6000 at 2006. this continued to rise and peaked at over 10000 dollars.
Words: 232Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 11:55 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a structured overview of the data, but there are issues with coherence and cohesion that affect the overall flow and clarity. The introduction and overview are clear, but the body paragraphs lack smooth transitions and consistent use of cohesive devices. Some sentences are fragmented or awkwardly structured, which interrupts the logical progression of ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Use consistent terminology for the bakeries and their financial data to maintain clarity.
  • Use more cohesive devices like 'however,' 'in addition,' and 'furthermore' to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
  • Avoid sentence fragments and ensure each sentence is complete and clear.
  • Ensure logical progression of ideas by clearly linking each paragraph to the main overview.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay uses a range of vocabulary related to the topic, but there are some inaccuracies and repetitive expressions. Terms like 'upward trend,' 'opposite trend,' and 'fluctuations' are appropriately used, but there are errors such as 'earring data' instead of 'earning data' and 'box' instead of 'bucks.' The essay also lacks variety in expressions for describing trends and comparisons.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms or rephrasing, e.g., instead of repeatedly using 'trend,' use 'pattern' or 'trajectory.'
  • Correct spelling errors such as 'earring data' to 'earning data' and 'box' to 'bucks.'
  • Expand the range of vocabulary used to describe trends and comparisons, such as using 'growth,' 'decline,' 'increase,' 'decrease,' etc.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic grammatical range with some errors in tense, subject-verb agreement, and article usage. It attempts complex sentences, but they are often awkward or incorrect.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent use of tenses, especially when describing trends over time. Use past tense for past events.
  • Improve subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'Mari sales followed' should be 'Mari's sales followed.'
  • Use articles correctly, e.g., 'the given period' instead of 'given period.'
  • Avoid sentence fragments and ensure each sentence is complete. For example, 'this continued to rise and peaked...' should start with a capital 'T.'
  • Practice constructing complex sentences accurately, ensuring clarity and correct punctuation.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay provides a general overview of the trends in the earnings of the three bakeries, identifying that Bolo and Amandine experienced an upward trend while Mari saw a decline. It highlights key points such as Amandine's eventual lead in earnings and Bolo's initial low position. However, the essay contains inaccuracies and lacks clarity in some descriptions, such as the fluctuation details and specific numerical comparisons, which affects the overall task achievement.

Recommendations:

  • Improve language accuracy to avoid confusion, such as correcting 'earring' to 'earning' and 'Mari' to 'Mary.'
  • Clarify the trends by providing more precise descriptions of the changes over the years, especially for Mari's earnings.
  • Include more specific comparisons between the bakeries at different points to enhance the analysis.
  • Ensure accurate representation of data, such as the actual figures for Bolo's earnings in 2003 and 2006, and correct numerical comparisons for Mari and Amandine.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count6
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