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BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS AND COMPARISON OF INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS STUDY TRENDS IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES (2004-2012)

Explore our IELTS essay sample that provides an in-depth analysis of foreign students studying in English-speaking countries. This Band 5.5 essay illustrates the increase in international students in the USA, UK, Australia, and Canada from 2004 to 2012, offering comparative data and comprehensive details. A perfect resource for IELTS aspirants to understand writing structure and data interpretation.

Writing Task

The bar chart and table show information about students from abroad studying in four English-speaking countries in 2004 and 2012.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

The bar chart gives information about number foreign pupils studying in four different countries in English, and the table illustrate percentage of alien students in total students amount studying in English-spoken countries in 2004 and 2012. It is clear that the amount of studying in USA had increased dramatically from approximately 175 pupils in 2004 to just 245 students in 2012. Meanwhile, you can see the same upward trend in UK and Australia roughly 130 students in 2004 to just about 200 pupils in 2012. The number of alien people who studied in Canada had increased slightly from 48 pupils in 2004 to 55 students in 2012. In terms of the percentage of foreign students of total students in four different English spoken countries, the majority of pupils were total students which contained 2% of alien students in USA in both 2004 and 2012, 9% in UK in 2004 nd 13% n 2012, in Australia 19% and 24% respectively in 2004 and 2012, and 5%in 2004 and 7% in 2012 in Canada, which showed the amount of pupils had increased slightly in 3 English-spoken countries with an exception in USA that the percentage remained constantly. Overall, with looking over the details we can see that more people had immigrated to this four English-spoken countries over the 2 year-period .
Words: 219Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/24/2023, 10:40 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay presents information on foreign students in four English-speaking countries, focusing on numbers and percentages from 2004 to 2012. It generally follows a logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are inconsistencies in cohesion and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent terminology, such as using 'students' instead of alternating between 'pupils' and 'students.'
  • Use clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader through the main points.
  • Use more varied linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion, such as 'in contrast,' 'similarly,' or 'as a result.'
  • Improve the logical flow between sentences and ideas, especially when transitioning between data points.

Lexical Resource5.5

The essay attempts to use a range of vocabulary related to the topic, such as 'foreign pupils,' 'alien students,' and 'English-spoken countries.' However, there are several instances of incorrect word choice and repetition, which affect clarity and precision. For example, 'alien students' is not a standard term and could be replaced with 'international students.' The use of 'amount' instead of 'number' when referring to countable nouns is another issue. Additionally, phrases like 'the number of alien people' and 'the amount of pupils' could be more accurately expressed. There is also some repetition of words and phrases, such as 'increased slightly,' which could be varied to enhance lexical resource.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more precise language, such as 'remained constant' instead of 'remained constantly.'
  • Use 'number' instead of 'amount' when referring to countable nouns like students.
  • Vary vocabulary to avoid repetition, such as using synonyms for 'increase' and 'students.'
  • Replace 'alien students' with 'international students' for standard terminology.

Grammatical Range5.5

The essay demonstrates some grammatical range, but there are consistent errors in sentence structure, verb forms, and article usage that impact clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition and improve coherence by using linking words and phrases.
  • Use a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Correct verb forms and tenses (e.g., 'remained constant' instead of 'remained constantly').
  • Use correct article usage (e.g., 'the number of foreign pupils' instead of 'number foreign pupils').
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'the table illustrates' instead of 'the table illustrate').

Task Achievement5.5

The essay provides a basic overview of the data presented in the bar chart and table, addressing the main trends and comparisons between 2004 and 2012. The candidate identifies the increase in the number of foreign students in the USA, UK, Australia, and Canada, as well as changes in the percentage of foreign students in these countries. However, the essay lacks clarity and precision in reporting specific data and trends.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid using informal language such as 'alien students' and use more formal terms like 'international students.'
  • Improve clarity and coherence by structuring the essay more logically, starting with an overview, followed by detailed comparisons.
  • Include more specific data points and comparisons to highlight key trends and differences between countries.
  • Ensure accurate representation of data. For example, clarify that the numbers represent thousands of students and provide exact figures from the chart.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:5.5
Grammatical Range:5.5
Task Achievement:5.5
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5.5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range5.5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement5.5
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count5
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