BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING E-COMMERCE TRENDS AMONG CANADIAN BUSINESSES FROM 2015-2019

Explore our comprehensive IELTS essay sample analysing the growth of e-commerce in various sectors of Canadian manufacturing from 2015 to 2019. Dive into data-driven insights on the information, retail, wholesale, and construction industry's adoption of e-commerce. Get a unique perspective on the evolving trends and understand the growth of e-commerce in Canada's industries over a 4-year period.

Writing Task

The chart below shows the proportion of businesses making e-commerce purchases by industry in Canada between 2015 and 2019.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

The bar chart compares the percentages of businesses which had a part in making e-commerce buy in manufacturing in Canada between 2015 and 2019. It is clear that the amount of commercial buying had improved over the 6-year period between 5 different industry in Canada, except the information & communications commerce which decreased in 2019 to just over 70%. The lowest percentage belongs to the construction industry in 2015, approximately 25%.The retail industry had the lowest amount of using this commerce about 30% to roughly 55% over the years as the same industry of wholesale which had about 25% to almost doubled in 60% from 2015 to 2019. The highest amount of using e-commerce belongs to the information & communication in 2018 about 70%. Overall, the bar chart shows that the percentage of using e-commerce industry has increased roughly over the 4-year period which gives this information that the industry has improved.
Words: 152Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 06:15 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to organize information from the bar chart logically, but there are issues with clarity and logical progression. The introduction and conclusion are present, but the body lacks clear paragraphing to separate ideas. Linking words are used, but not always effectively, leading to some confusion in the flow of information.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid jumping between different years and industries without clear transitions to maintain coherence.
  • Use clear paragraphing to separate different points or comparisons. For example, dedicate one paragraph to describing trends in one or two industries.
  • Improve the use of linking words to enhance clarity. Use connectors like 'however,' 'in contrast,' or 'similarly' to show relationships between data points.
  • Ensure logical progression by starting with an overview, then detailing each industry, and concluding with a summary of trends.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary related to the topic of e-commerce and industry sectors. However, there are repetitive phrases and limited use of advanced vocabulary. Some word choices are inaccurate, affecting the clarity and precision of the information presented.

Recommendations:

  • Expand the range of vocabulary by using synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition, such as 'increase' instead of 'improve' and 'sector' instead of 'industry.'
  • Incorporate more descriptive adjectives and adverbs to provide nuance and detail, such as 'significantly increased' or 'slightly decreased.'
  • Ensure accurate word choice to convey precise meanings, such as using 'percentage' instead of 'amount' when referring to proportions.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of grammatical structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there are several errors in verb tense, subject-verb agreement, and article usage that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures by incorporating more complex sentences to enhance grammatical range.
  • Ensure consistent use of verb tenses. For example, 'had improved' should be 'improved' to maintain consistency in past tense.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement. For instance, '5 different industry' should be '5 different industries.'
  • Use articles correctly. 'The amount of commercial buying' could be better expressed as 'The amount of commercial buying in these industries.'

Task Achievement5.0

The essay provides an overview of the bar chart showing e-commerce purchases by industry in Canada from 2015 to 2019. It mentions the general trend of increased e-commerce activity across most industries, with specific references to the construction, retail, and information & communications sectors. However, the essay lacks detailed data points and comparisons, which are essential for fully meeting the Task Achievement criteria.

Recommendations:

  • Make more detailed comparisons between different industries over the years.
  • Clarify the overall trends and exceptions more explicitly.
  • Include specific data points for each industry to support observations.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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