BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF SURVEY RESULTS ON MIGRATION TO CAPITAL CITY

Explore an analysis of IELTS Band 6.0 essay sample on the primary reasons for immigration to the capital city from 2000 to 2015. Understand key insights on movement trends for study, employment, adventure, and family reasons. Includes detailed line graph interpretation and statistical data.

Writing Task

The line chart below shows the results of a survey giving the reasons why people moved to the capital city of a particular country.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

This line graph provides information about four most important reasons of movement of people to tha capital city, between the time period of 2000 and 2015. Looking from an overall perspective, it is easily apparent that moving for studying was the most important reason while immigrate because of adventure changed gradually from 2000 to 2015. As regards the line graph, the highest point belongs to the study with almost 85000 people in 2015 whilst the lowest point belongs to the adventure reason with approximately 1000 people in 20000. In addition, these line graph illustrates the number of people who moved to the capital city increased significantly from a little over 50000 in 2010 to 850000 in 2015; however, the proportion of immigrant because of employment decreased steadily from 90000 in 2012 to almost 85000 in 2015. What is more, movement because of advanture and family was not significant from approximately 10000 in 2000 to 15000 and allitle over 20000 in 2015, respectively.
Words: 162Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 07:51 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay provides a general overview of the reasons for moving to the capital city, but it lacks clear organization and logical flow. The introduction and overview are present, but the body paragraphs are not well-structured, leading to confusion. Transitions between ideas are minimal, and some sentences are difficult to follow due to awkward phrasing.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition by varying sentence structure and using synonyms.
  • Use linking words and phrases to improve transitions between sentences and paragraphs, such as 'however,' 'in addition,' and 'moreover.'
  • Ensure that each sentence logically follows the previous one, maintaining a clear and coherent flow of ideas.
  • Organize the essay into clear paragraphs with distinct topics, such as introduction, overview, and detailed analysis of each reason.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some use of less common words like "apparent," "illustrates," and "proportion." However, there are several errors in word choice and spelling, such as "tha" instead of "the," "immigrate" instead of "immigration," and "advanture" instead of "adventure." These errors affect clarity and coherence. Additionally, some phrases are awkward or unclear, such as "movement because of advanture and family was not significant."

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more academic vocabulary to enhance sophistication.
  • Use more precise vocabulary (e.g., 'immigrate' should be 'immigration').
  • Avoid awkward phrasing (e.g., rephrase 'movement because of advanture and family was not significant').
  • Correct spelling errors (e.g., 'tha' to 'the', 'advanture' to 'adventure').

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, such as simple and compound sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms, articles, and prepositions. The use of more complex structures is limited, and sentence variety could be improved to enhance readability and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Use articles correctly (e.g., 'the four most important reasons' instead of 'four most important reasons').
  • Improve preposition usage (e.g., 'in the time period' instead of 'between the time period').
  • Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to enhance grammatical range.
  • Correct verb forms and subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'immigrate' should be 'immigrating').

Task Achievement5.0

The essay provides an overview of the line graph, mentioning key trends such as the significant role of studying as a reason for moving and the gradual changes in adventure-related immigration. However, there are inaccuracies in the data representation, such as the number of people moving for study in 2015 and employment trends. The essay attempts to summarize and compare the data but lacks precision and clarity in some descriptions.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure clarity in describing trends and comparisons, providing precise figures and explanations where necessary.
  • Include all relevant details to provide a comprehensive summary, such as mentioning the steady increase in family/friends-related moves.
  • Correct inaccuracies in data representation, such as the number of people moving for study in 2015 (should be 90000, not 850000) and employment trends.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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