BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF E-COMMERCE BUSINESS PROPORTIONS BY INDUSTRY IN CANADA (2015-2019)

Explore this comprehensive band 6.0 score IELTS essay sample on the growth of e-commerce in Canadian industries from 2015 to 2019. The article provides detailed percentage analysis of construction, retail, wholesale, communication, and manufacturing sectors, highlighting their e-commerce trends.

Writing Task

The chart below shows the proportion of businesses making e-commerce purchases by industry in Canada between 2015 and 2019.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

The diagram illustrate the percentage of businesses making e-commerce purchases by industry in Canada from 2015 to 2019. Generally, it can be seen that the percentage of business that making e-commerce purchases experienced a growth in al industry between 2015 and 2019 . In construction industry, the percentage of e-commerce purchase stood at about 22% and experienced a steady growth,hitting the peak 53% in 2019. Similarity, as for wholesale , the purchase stood at 40% in 2015 , ther was a moderate increase untilt 2019,hitting the pick at 62 %. As for retail industry. It stood at 30% in 2015, the trend experienced a slight increase between 2016 and 2018,then,there was a small decline reaching to 55%. Similarity, the percentage of e-commerc in information and communication stood at 62% in 2015 and rose moderately from 2015 to 2018 and hitting the peak at 73%.then, there was a small decline until 2019 reaching to 69%. As for manufacturing, there was a remarkable increase between 2016 and 2016 reaching to 52% from 32%, then it experienced a moderate fall to 45% in 2016. Between 2019 to 2019 , the trend experienced a dramatic increase reacing to 58%.
Words: 195Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 11:17 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay presents data on e-commerce purchases by industry in Canada from 2015 to 2019. It attempts to describe trends for different industries but lacks clear organization and effective linking between ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt transitions by providing brief context or summary before introducing a new point.
  • Employ more cohesive devices like 'however', 'in contrast', or 'additionally' to improve flow between sentences.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to guide the reader.
  • Use clear paragraphing to separate different industries or main ideas.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, but there are numerous spelling and word choice errors. Some words and phrases are repeated, and there is a lack of variety in expressions used to describe trends.

Recommendations:

  • Enhance the range of expressions by incorporating more complex and precise vocabulary related to e-commerce and industry trends.
  • Use more varied vocabulary to describe trends, such as 'increase', 'rise', 'growth', 'decline', 'drop', and 'fall'.
  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms or rephrasing sentences, for example, replace 'hitting the peak' with 'reaching the highest point'.
  • Ensure proper use of articles and prepositions, e.g., 'in the construction industry' instead of 'in construction industry'.
  • Correct spelling errors such as 'al' to 'all', 'ther' to 'there', and 'reacing' to 'reaching'.

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with frequent errors in sentence construction, verb tense, and punctuation. These issues often obscure meaning and hinder readability.

Recommendations:

  • Correct verb tense inconsistencies, e.g., 'stood' should be consistently in past tense when describing past data.
  • Improve punctuation use, particularly with commas, to enhance clarity and flow.
  • Review and correct spelling errors, such as 'ther' to 'there' and 'pick' to 'peak.'
  • Use a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement in sentences, such as 'the percentage of businesses that make.'

Task Achievement5.0

The essay provides an overview of the chart, highlighting the growth in e-commerce purchases across various industries in Canada from 2015 to 2019. It mentions specific industries and their trends over the years, but there are inaccuracies and a lack of clarity in some parts.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid minor spelling and grammatical errors, such as 'Similarity' instead of 'Similarly' and 'ther' instead of 'there'.
  • Include more comparative language to highlight differences and similarities between industries.
  • Clarify the description of trends for each industry to improve coherence and readability.
  • Ensure accurate representation of data trends. For example, the manufacturing industry trend is incorrectly described for 2016 and 2019.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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