BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES: 1850 VS 2020 COMPARISON

Discover insightful analysis on the shift of workforce distribution across five sectors - manufacturing, services, agricultural/fishing, construction, energy/water - from 1850 to 2020. This Band 6.0 IELTS essay sample provides a detailed overview on the drastic growth of the service industry and the fall in traditional sectors like manufacturing and agriculture. Join us for a deep dive into the evolution of employment trends over the decades.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

The given figure illustrates the proportions of employee in five sectors(manufacturing, services, agricultural/fishing, construction, energy/water) in 1850 and 2020. Looking from an overall perspective, it is readily apparent that the highest percentile of individuals worked in service industry in 2020, on the contrary, the least number of people were employed in Energy sector in both surveyed times. In 1980, the majority of work-forces were involved in manufacturing and service activities with 36% and 33%, respectively. This followed by agricultural section with 22%. On the other hand, these three ones dominated the rest of industries, which were under 5%. considering the bar chart in 2020, it is noticeable that there was a sharp contrast in services employee, which witnessed an enhancement of 28% and hitted the point, 81%. Furthermore, it is worth to mention that this increment was at expenses of the manufacturing and agricultural work's sort . these two sectors declined to 9% and 1%, subsequently.
Words: 156Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 10:22 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay provides a clear structure, but there are areas where coherence and cohesion can be improved. The introduction and overview are present, but the transitions between ideas are sometimes abrupt, and there are inconsistencies in the use of cohesive devices.

Recommendations:

  • Improve paragraphing by clearly separating the description of each time period into distinct sections.
  • Use more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly, such as 'in contrast,' 'additionally,' or 'however.'
  • Ensure each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, maintaining a clear progression of ideas.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some variety in word choice and attempts at more complex expressions. However, there are several issues with word forms, collocations, and some incorrect or awkward word choices that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Improve word choice and ensure correct usage of terms, such as 'employee' to 'employees' and 'work-forces' to 'workforce.'
  • Use more precise vocabulary to describe changes and comparisons, such as 'increased' instead of 'hitted the point.'
  • Expand the range of vocabulary by incorporating synonyms and varied expressions for describing data trends, such as 'rise,' 'fall,' 'decline,' and 'growth.'
  • Pay attention to collocations and idiomatic expressions, ensuring phrases like 'at the expense of' are used correctly.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several errors that affect clarity and coherence. The use of complex sentences is evident, but there are issues with subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'the proportions of employee' should be 'the proportions of employees.'
  • Improve article usage, e.g., 'the service industry' instead of 'service industry.'
  • Use correct verb forms, e.g., 'hitted' should be 'hit.'
  • Pay attention to punctuation, such as commas and periods, to enhance clarity.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay provides a clear overview of the changes in the Canadian workforce across different industries from 1850 to 2020. It highlights the significant increase in the service sector and the decline in manufacturing and agriculture. However, some inaccuracies and omissions are present, such as incorrect year references and lack of detail for minor sectors.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that all data is accurately reported, such as specific percentage changes for each sector.
  • Include data for all sectors, even those with smaller percentages, to provide a more comprehensive overview.
  • Clarify the comparison between the two years by explicitly mentioning the changes in all sectors, not just the major ones.
  • Correct the year reference from '1980' to '1850' to accurately reflect the data.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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