Help us improve!Share your feedback and help make IELTS CHAMP better for everyone.

Leave Feedback

BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE PERCENTAGES IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES - 1850 VS 2020

Explore our detailed analysis of the IELTS band 5.5 essay, showcasing trends in the Canadian workforce across top industries from 1850 to 2020. Gain insights on the shift towards agriculture, fishing, and services, and the decline in manufacturing and energy/water sectors.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

The bar chart provides percentages of Canadian workers in top 5 industries manufacturing, services, agriculture/fishing, construction and energy/water in the years 1850 and 2020. Overall, the difference between percentages for other major industries between the years 1850 and 2020 is considerable and also the Canadian workforce's wish to agriculture and fishing, showed a dramatically increase in this period. The maximum difference between Canadian workers rate in these years, belongs to job title called services, while the minimum difference belongs to Energy/water. The major industry relates to water and energy became less favorite among Canadian workforce over these years. Canadian workforce's decided to investigate on major industry services by passing the years from 1850 to 2020 meanwhile, the manufacturing experienced an almost huge decrease over the period. Being 3% higher employee in Construction also was another example of changing the intention and habits to experience a new career by Canadian workforce.
Words: 150Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 07:58 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to describe changes in the Canadian workforce across different industries between 1850 and 2020. However, it lacks clear logical flow and effective use of cohesive devices, which affects the overall coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure logical flow by organizing information chronologically or by industry.
  • Avoid abrupt shifts in topics and ensure each paragraph focuses on a single aspect.
  • Clarify comparisons and contrasts with precise language.
  • Use clear topic sentences to introduce each paragraph's main idea.
  • Improve the use of linking words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay uses a range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as 'manufacturing,' 'services,' and 'agriculture/fishing.' However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrasing that impact clarity. Phrases like 'wish to agriculture and fishing' and 'investigate on major industry services' are unclear and could be expressed more precisely. The essay would benefit from more varied and precise language to describe changes and comparisons, such as 'fluctuation,' 'decline,' or 'dominance.'

Recommendations:

  • Use synonyms to avoid repetition, such as 'workforce' and 'employees.'
  • Incorporate more variety in vocabulary to describe comparisons, such as 'increase,' 'decrease,' and 'stable.'
  • Avoid awkward phrasing by rewording sentences for clarity, such as 'decided to investigate on major industry services' to 'focused more on the services industry.'
  • Use clearer and more precise vocabulary to describe trends and changes. For example, replace 'wish to agriculture and fishing' with 'shift towards agriculture and fishing.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures but lacks grammatical accuracy in several areas. There are issues with subject-verb agreement, incorrect word forms, and awkward phrasing that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Use appropriate conjunctions to link ideas smoothly and avoid run-on sentences.
  • Practice using complex sentences to enhance grammatical range without losing clarity.
  • Review subject-verb agreement rules to ensure verbs match their subjects in number and tense.
  • Correct awkward phrases and incorrect word forms to improve readability and precision.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay attempts to describe the bar chart showing the percentages of the Canadian workforce across five industries in 1850 and 2020. It mentions the significant differences in workforce distribution over the years and highlights changes in preferences for certain industries, such as the increase in the services sector and the decrease in manufacturing.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid vague language. Use precise terms to describe changes and trends in the data.
  • Provide more precise comparisons and data points. For instance, specify the exact percentage changes for each industry to support your analysis.
  • Clarify the main features and trends. Clearly state the most significant changes and trends observed in the data.
  • Ensure accurate interpretation of data. The essay incorrectly states an increase in agriculture/fishing, which actually decreased significantly.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
Grade Your Essay