BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING CANADIAN WORKFORCE DISTRIBUTION IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES (1850 VS 2020)

Explore a comprehensive band 5.5 IELTS essay example analyzing the evolution of the Canadian workforce across five industry categories from 1850 to 2020. Discover key insights into significant shifts, from the rise of service provision to the decline in manufacturing, agriculture, and fishing sectors. Ideal resource for IELTS preparation.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

The bar chart given illustrates the Canadian workforce into five categories in industry between 2 years in 1850 and 2020. Overall,The most popular feature is that in 2020 81% of the workforce were involved in providing services,, on the other hand, in 1850 manufacturing and services are most welcome in 1850 almost more than a third. However, in 2020 the percentage of energy/water and agriculture/fishing are totally had a series fallen about 1% , losing initially at manufacturing, the figures had decrees four times, from 36% in 1850 to 9% in 2020. the agriculture/fishing even had a outstanding decline when the proportion drop from 22% to only 1% in 2020. The construction is still keep its position, furthermore, has a sightly rise from 5% in 1850 to 8% in 2020. Ultimately, Energy and water ranks final in five industries with 3% in 1850 and 1% in 2020 same as agriculture/fishing.
Words: 150Paragraphs: 3
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 01:23 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to present information from the bar chart, but struggles with coherence and cohesion. The ideas are not well-organized, and there are issues with logical flow and paragraphing.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition and ensure clarity in each sentence.
  • Ensure logical progression of ideas, linking sentences and paragraphs effectively.
  • Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
  • Use clear paragraphing to separate different ideas or comparisons.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common words and phrases. However, there are noticeable errors in word choice, formality, and collocation that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures to incorporate more complex vocabulary naturally.
  • Use more precise vocabulary. For example, replace 'most welcome' with 'predominant' or 'dominant.'
  • Ensure word forms are correct. For instance, use 'decreased' instead of 'decrees' and 'slightly' instead of 'sightly.'
  • Avoid informal expressions like 'most popular feature.' Use more formal language such as 'the most significant trend.'
  • Improve collocation usage. Instead of 'series fallen,' use 'experienced a significant decline.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures with several errors in sentence construction and verb forms. The use of complex sentences is infrequent, and there are issues with subject-verb agreement and tense consistency.

Recommendations:

  • Check for minor errors such as missing articles or incorrect word forms, like 'sightly' which should be 'slightly.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is correct. For example, 'the figures had decrees' should be 'the figures had decreased.'
  • Use consistent tense throughout the essay. For example, 'are most welcome' should be 'were most welcome.'
  • Avoid run-on sentences by using appropriate punctuation and conjunctions. For example, separate clauses with periods or conjunctions instead of commas.
  • Improve sentence structure by practicing complex sentences and using a variety of sentence types.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay provides a basic overview of the changes in the Canadian workforce across different industries in 1850 and 2020. It identifies key trends, such as the significant increase in the service sector and the decline in agriculture, fishing, and manufacturing. However, it lacks clarity and precision in reporting the data, and some comparisons are unclear or incorrectly stated.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid using informal language or phrases like 'most welcome' and instead use more formal language appropriate for an academic context.
  • Improve the clarity of comparisons by structuring sentences to clearly show changes between 1850 and 2020.
  • Include more precise language to describe trends, such as 'dramatic decline' or 'significant increase,' to enhance clarity.
  • Ensure all data points mentioned are accurate and clearly stated. For instance, clarify the changes in the manufacturing sector from 36% to 9%.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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