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BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING AND COMPARING DATA ON INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES IN 2004 AND 2012

Explore this insightful IELTS band 5.5 essay sample featuring a comparative analysis of overseas students studying in four prominent English-speaking countries from 2004 to 2012. Discover how student numbers evolved and the ranking of the USA, UK, Australia, and Canada in this context.

Writing Task

The bar chart and table show information about students from abroad studying in four English-speaking countries in 2004 and 2012.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

The bar chart and table show information about students from overseas studying in four English-speaking countries between 2004 till 2012.As the bar chart indicates the number of the foreign students has increased in all the four countries . The USA with the total numbers of the students about 250000 is in the first place and the Canada with about a fifth of the numbers stands the last with about a total number of around 60000 students .It also obvious The UK and Australia are in heel with about 120000 students. The figures in the percentage table shows the percentage of the foreign students in the UK, Australia and has raised but he figure remained constant for the USA. The Australia is in the first place of the table by 4 % and the UK and Canada are in the next place with respect of 3 and 2 percent. In 2004 the Australia by 19 per cent is the first place IT kept its place in2012.
Words: 165Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/24/2023, 03:14 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay presents information about foreign students in four English-speaking countries in 2004 and 2012. It attempts to compare and summarize the main features of the data presented in a bar chart and a table. However, the essay lacks clear organization and logical progression, which impacts coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify comparisons by explicitly stating the differences and similarities between the countries' data.
  • Use linking words and phrases (e.g., 'however,' 'in addition,' 'similarly') to connect ideas and improve the flow of information.
  • Ensure logical progression of ideas by grouping similar information together, such as discussing all data related to one country before moving to another.
  • Improve paragraph structure by clearly separating the introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear purpose.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempt to use less common words and phrases. However, there are noticeable errors in word choice, collocation, and word formation that occasionally impede meaning. Examples include "in heel," "in the first place," and "with respect of." Additionally, there is repetition of basic vocabulary, such as "students" and "numbers."

Recommendations:

  • Expand vocabulary to include more synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition of basic words like 'students' and 'numbers.'
  • Practice using more precise language to describe data, such as 'increased significantly' or 'remained stable.'
  • Improve word choice and collocations by learning context-appropriate phrases, such as 'in second place' instead of 'in heel.'
  • Review and practice using articles and prepositions correctly to enhance clarity, such as 'the USA' and 'in first place.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with frequent errors affecting clarity and coherence. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, but many are incorrectly constructed.

Recommendations:

  • Use conjunctions correctly to improve sentence structure, e.g., 'It also obvious The UK and Australia are in heel' should be 'It is also obvious that the UK and Australia are close behind.'
  • Improve punctuation to enhance clarity, e.g., 'In 2004 the Australia by 19 per cent is the first place IT kept its place in2012.' should be 'In 2004, Australia, with 19 percent, was in first place and it kept its position in 2012.'
  • Avoid run-on sentences by breaking them into shorter, clearer sentences.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'The figures in the percentage table shows' should be 'The figures in the percentage table show.'
  • Correct article usage, e.g., 'The USA with the total numbers of the students' should be 'The USA, with the total number of students.'

Task Achievement5.0

The essay provides an overview of the data presented in the bar chart and table, indicating an increase in the number of foreign students in all four countries from 2004 to 2012. It highlights the USA as having the highest number of foreign students and Canada the least. It also mentions the percentage increase of foreign students in Australia, the UK, and Canada, while noting the constant percentage in the USA. However, the essay lacks clarity in presenting specific data points and comparisons, and contains some inaccuracies and grammatical errors.

Recommendations:

  • Correct grammatical errors and improve sentence structure for better readability.
  • Ensure accurate representation of data, such as the correct ranking and figures for each country.
  • Improve clarity by using structured paragraphs and logical flow, separating descriptions of the bar chart and table.
  • Clearly state the main trends and data points from both the bar chart and table, specifying exact numbers and percentages.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count6
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