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BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF OLYMPICS PARTICIPANT TRENDS OVER THE YEARS

Explore our Band 5.5 IELTS essay sample analyzing the rise in athlete participation in the Olympics over the years, with a special focus on gender dynamics. Understand how the number of participants has evolved since 1924, and how the gap between male and female attendees has been steadily closing. Perfect resource for IELTS study and gender studies in sports history.

Writing Task

The chart and graph below give information about participants who have entered the Olympics since it began.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

The diagrams show the number of athlete who participate in Olympics since it begun and according to gender how different gender attend in this tournament. In the year 1924 when Olympics was hold, participants were around 3000 athletes. this number rise throughout the years by 1984 and hit the 6000 people. thereafter attendees number suddenly have grown . by the year 2012 reached to 11000 athletes. At first the difference of participants had noticeable gap. Men always had more attendees than women. as the chart shows in 1924 men attendees were less than 3000 but women had no share of this. In 1984 women participate in tournament and fill this gap by 2012. less than half of the participants were women. In Conclusion this statistics illustrate, during these years, as world developed. it provide and facilitate situation for participants to join to Olympics. More importantly women could reached to the point that in number became almost equal to men.
Words: 159Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 07:51 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay provides a basic structure but lacks clear paragraphing and logical flow. Sentences are often fragmented or improperly connected, impacting coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Improve the use of linking words and phrases to connect ideas and sentences logically.
  • Avoid abrupt transitions and ensure smooth progression of ideas.
  • Use clear paragraphing to separate different ideas or sections, such as an introduction, body, and conclusion.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows logically from the previous one.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay uses a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts at less common words, though there are frequent errors in word choice and formality. Phrases like "since it begun," "attendees number," and "fill this gap by 2012" indicate issues with word choice and grammatical structure. The use of vocabulary is often inaccurate, affecting clarity and precision in conveying the intended meaning.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid informal language and ensure consistency in formal tone, for example, replace "hit the 6000 people" with "reached 6,000 participants."
  • Incorporate more precise vocabulary related to data description, such as "growth," "increase," "decrease," "proportion," and "trend."
  • Use linking words and phrases (e.g., "moreover," "in addition," "however") to enhance coherence and connect ideas more effectively.
  • Review and correct errors in word choice, such as "since it begun" (should be "since it began") and "attendees number" (should be "number of attendees").

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with frequent errors in sentence construction and verb forms. Simple sentences are used predominantly, and complex structures are rarely attempted or are incorrectly formed.

Recommendations:

  • Use more complex sentence structures to show a variety of grammatical forms.
  • Pay attention to article usage, e.g., 'the Olympics' instead of 'Olympics'.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement in sentences, e.g., 'number of athlete' should be 'number of athletes'.
  • Correct verb tenses and forms, e.g., 'since it begun' should be 'since it began'.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay provides a general overview of the data presented in the chart and graph, highlighting the increase in the number of participants and the gender distribution over time. However, it lacks specific details and accurate data representation. The essay mentions key years and trends but does not consistently use precise numbers or provide clear comparisons between the genders across all years. The conclusion attempts to summarize the trends but introduces new information not directly derived from the data, such as the development of the world facilitating participation.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid introducing new information in the conclusion that is not directly supported by the data presented in the charts.
  • Ensure accurate representation of the data, avoiding errors in numbers and trends. For example, clarify the growth trends and gender comparisons with precise figures.
  • Make clear comparisons between male and female participants for each year, highlighting the changes over time.
  • Include specific data points from the chart and graph to support your statements, such as the exact number of male and female participants in each year.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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