BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF OLYMPIC PARTICIPANTS DATA SINCE INCEPTION - TRENDS AND COMPARISONS

Explore our IELTS essay sample rated at band 5.5 which analyzes the gender diversity in the Olympic Games participation. The essay covers patterns from 1924 to 2012, tracking the growth in the number of participants, with a focus on female participation. Perfect for IELTS candidates looking to improve their writing skills!

Writing Task

The chart and graph below give information about participants who have entered the Olympics since it began.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

The line chart gives information on the number of particinapts have took part in Olampics since the begining and the bar chart compare the number of men and women during the same period . Looking from an overall perspective, the number of competitors rose significantly specially up to 1984. It can be seen that in 1924, the number of participants have stood at nearly 3000 which were mostly men. In 1952 , there is a slight rise of 500 in the number of women participated in competitions which have became threefold in 1984 . Although the number of men participants increased steadily, the number of females have a considerable difference in camparion to them . From 1984 to 2102, the number of female participants showed a striking growth that in 2012 reached to about 5000 while the number of men is still at the highest level. overall, the totall number of contributors increased steadily which in 2012 there is not noticeable differences in the number of men and women like the past .
Words: 173Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 06:09 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay provides a basic structure with some logical progression, but there are areas where coherence and cohesion could be improved. The use of linking words and phrases is inconsistent, and some sentences lack clarity, affecting the overall flow.

Recommendations:

  • Improve paragraphing by separating distinct ideas into different paragraphs.
  • Use referencing words like "this," "these," and "such" to avoid repetition and enhance cohesion.
  • Clarify ambiguous sentences to ensure each idea is clearly understood and contributes to the overall coherence.
  • Ensure consistent use of linking words to connect ideas clearly (e.g., "however," "in addition," "meanwhile").

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate lexical resource with some variety in vocabulary related to the topic, such as "participants," "competitors," "rose significantly," and "striking growth." However, there are frequent errors in word choice and spelling, such as "particinapts," "Olampics," "begining," "camparion," and "totall," which affect clarity. Additionally, there is some repetition of basic words like "number" and "participants," which could be replaced with synonyms to enhance variety. The use of comparatives and superlatives is limited, and there are some inaccuracies in verb forms, such as "have took" instead of "have taken."

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more comparatives and superlatives to enhance description, such as 'more significant' or 'highest.'
  • Use synonyms to avoid repetition, such as 'athletes' instead of 'participants' and 'increase' instead of 'rise.'
  • Improve accuracy in verb forms and tenses, e.g., 'have took' should be 'have taken.'
  • Correct spelling errors: 'particinapts' to 'participants', 'Olampics' to 'Olympics', 'begining' to 'beginning', 'camparion' to 'comparison', 'totall' to 'total.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a range of grammatical structures but contains several errors affecting clarity and accuracy. There are issues with verb tense consistency, subject-verb agreement, and article usage.

Recommendations:

  • Expand the range of complex sentence structures to enhance clarity and sophistication.
  • Improve subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'the number of participants has' instead of 'have').
  • Use articles correctly (e.g., 'the Olympics' instead of 'Olampics').
  • Avoid sentence fragments and ensure complete sentences (e.g., 'the bar chart compares' instead of 'compare').
  • Ensure consistent use of verb tenses, such as using the present perfect correctly (e.g., 'have taken part' instead of 'have took part').

Task Achievement5.0

The essay provides an overview of the data, referencing the increase in participants and the gender distribution over time. It mentions key years and trends, such as the significant rise in female participants and the overall growth in total numbers. However, it lacks specific numerical details and clear comparisons, which limits its effectiveness in fully addressing the task.

Recommendations:

  • Provide a more structured overview, summarizing the main trends before delving into specific details.
  • Clearly compare the changes in male and female participants over the years, highlighting differences and similarities.
  • Ensure accurate use of tense and grammar to clearly convey the timeline of events and trends.
  • Include specific data points from the chart and graph to support statements, such as exact numbers of participants in each year.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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