BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS OF CANADIAN WORKFORCE DISTRIBUTION IN MAJOR INDUSTRIES FROM 1850 TO 2020

Explore our detailed analysis of the shift in the Canadian workforce across 170 years from 1850 to 2020. Witness the dramatic increase in the service industry and the steady stance of the water and energy industry. Dive deep into historical data on industries like manufacturing and agriculture with our IELTS essay sample. Perfect resource for band 5.5 IELTS essay preparation.

Writing Task

The bar chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

The given bar chart alustrates workforce of Canada in 5 seperate industries in 1850 and 170 years later in 2020. Overall, its obvious there is a dramatic increase in service industy. In contrast the water and energy industry has been witnessed no significant change. The workforce in manufacturing, stayed at the top of all industries in 1850 which is about 36%. But it fall in to 9% around a dacade later. Also agriculture industry droped to 1% in 2020,however it was stayed at 22% in 1850. It can be observe that These twe industries decrease in term of workforce after a decade. Canadian workforce in service catagory rased significantly and reach to 81%in 2020 which was 50% higher campared to 1850.there was a progress in construction catagory that was around 3%.energy industry's workforce was the lowest percentage among other 4 industries in 1850, and stayed at the same level in 2020.
Words: 151Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 02:19 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay provides a basic structure but lacks clear logical progression and effective use of cohesive devices. The ideas are somewhat disjointed, making it difficult to follow the analysis of the data.

Recommendations:

  • Use more cohesive devices (e.g., 'however,' 'in addition,' 'as a result') to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
  • Avoid abrupt transitions between ideas by providing brief explanations or comparisons.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that these ideas are logically ordered.
  • Clarify the relationships between data points, ensuring comparisons are explicitly stated and logically connected.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay uses a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts at more advanced words, but there are frequent errors in spelling and word choice that hinder clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Use more precise vocabulary. Replace 'dramatic increase' with 'significant growth' for variety.
  • Expand vocabulary range. Use synonyms for 'industry' like 'sector' or 'field' to avoid repetition.
  • Clarify phrases for better understanding. Replace 'fall in to' with 'fell to' and 'droped' to 'dropped.'
  • Correct spelling errors such as 'alustrates' to 'illustrates' and 'seperate' to 'separate'.
  • Ensure word choice is appropriate. Use 'observed' instead of 'witnessed' in 'witnessed no significant change.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures with frequent errors in sentence formation, verb tense, and agreement. Simple sentences dominate, and complex structures are rarely used effectively. Errors in punctuation, capitalization, and spelling further hinder clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Review spelling to avoid errors such as 'alustrates' and 'seperate.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement and correct verb tense usage to improve grammatical accuracy.
  • Pay attention to punctuation and capitalization to enhance readability and coherence.
  • Use a wider variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay provides a general overview of the changes in the Canadian workforce across five industries from 1850 to 2020, highlighting significant increases and decreases. It identifies the main trends, such as the dramatic rise in the service industry and the decline in manufacturing and agriculture.

Recommendations:

  • Use more precise language to describe changes, like 'increased by' or 'decreased to,' ensuring clarity in describing data trends.
  • Ensure all key data points from the chart are included, such as the exact percentages for both years across all industries.
  • Make clearer comparisons by directly contrasting specific data points between the two years for each industry.
  • Avoid inaccuracies, such as stating 'a decade later' when referring to a 170-year period.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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