BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYSIS AND SUMMARY OF SURVEY ON MIGRATION REASONS TO COUNTRY'S CAPITAL

Explore a Band 5.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the reasons why people move to a capital city based on a line graph. Understand trends in education and employment reasons from 2000 to 2015. Get insights on how quality education and job opportunities influence migration patterns.

Writing Task

The line chart below shows the results of a survey giving the reasons why people moved to the capital city of a particular country.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

The line graph shows us the number of people who move to the capital for different reasons, such as to find a job, study in the best schools, family reasons, be with friends, and adventure. The graph says that the main reason people move to the country's capital is for student reasons, followed by the reason for employment. I think the main reason people move to the country's capital is to prepare and get the best education from the schools that are in the country's money because the graph shows that from 2000 to 2015 the reason for the study has an impressive increase and this is why many people seek a worthy and excellent preparation to fulfill their professional dreams. The reason for employment is seen to have decreased from 2010 to 2015. This tells us that employment opportunities in the country's capital are not in a good situation and people choose to look for them elsewhere.
Words: 158Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/10/2023, 03:20 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay provides a basic structure but lacks clear coherence and cohesion. The introduction and body paragraphs are not clearly distinguished, and transitions between ideas are abrupt. The essay starts with a general description of the graph but does not effectively summarize the main features or make relevant comparisons. Sentences are not well-connected, and ideas are somewhat repetitive. Cohesive devices are minimal, making the flow of information disjointed.

Recommendations:

  • Use cohesive devices like 'however,' 'in addition,' or 'moreover' to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
  • Avoid repetition by varying sentence structures and using synonyms.
  • Conclude with a summary of the main trends observed in the graph.
  • Clearly separate the introduction, body, and conclusion. Start with a clear introduction that summarizes the graph's main features.
  • Make clear comparisons and highlight trends in the data to enhance coherence.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some repetition and limited use of less common lexical items. There are instances of incorrect word choices and informal language.

Recommendations:

  • Expand vocabulary to include more varied and precise terms, such as 'educational opportunities' instead of 'student reasons'.
  • Avoid informal language, such as 'I think,' in formal reports.
  • Incorporate linking words and phrases to enhance coherence, such as 'in contrast' or 'similarly.'
  • Use more precise language to describe data trends, like 'experienced a significant rise' instead of 'has an impressive increase.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with some attempts at complex sentences. However, there are inaccuracies and a lack of variety in sentence structures, affecting clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures by using different types of sentences, such as conditional or passive forms.
  • Use more complex sentences by combining ideas with conjunctions like 'although,' 'since,' and 'while.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement in sentences, such as 'the graph shows' instead of 'the graph says.'
  • Correct the use of prepositions and articles, such as 'for student reasons' should be 'for educational reasons.'

Task Achievement5.0

The essay provides a basic overview of the line graph, mentioning reasons for moving to the capital such as study and employment. However, it lacks a comprehensive summary of all the main features and comparisons, and includes personal opinions which are not suitable for Task 1.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid including personal opinions or interpretations not directly supported by the data.
  • Use specific data points to support your descriptions and comparisons.
  • Summarize all the main features of the graph, including all categories (employment, study, family/friends, adventure).
  • Make clear comparisons between the different reasons for moving, highlighting trends and changes over time.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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